


all we have is now

by ayveex3



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Cliche, Developing Relationship, F/M, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Love Story, Love is in the Air, Memory Loss, Zutara
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:26:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24641623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayveex3/pseuds/ayveex3
Summary: Fire Lord Zuko considers helping Katara recover her memories as one of his duties.
Relationships: Katara/Zuko (Avatar)
Comments: 40
Kudos: 168





	1. forgotten

**Author's Note:**

> first attempt at writing zutara fanfic. lowkey salty i had to watch avatar on a shady site a few months before it was released on netflix but we here now. love all the new fans and attention it's been receiving <3

"Agh!" A fireball flies wildly past a martial arts pole. The wooden pole wears char and dents from the days of training Zuko and Azula had as children. An inch closer and the whole thing would have been incinerated to dust.

"Zuko, I've been looking everywhere for you."

Mai leans against the doorway of their home and what was formerly known as Fire Lord Ozai's palace. Honestly, she knows where Zuko's been the entire time. She just assumed he wanted to skip the meetings he was required to go to now that he's become the new Fire Lord.

His back faces her, sweat dripping from his brow. Shame, disappointment, and frustration; he's an emotional mess. "I don't feel like talking right now."

"I know. So, I'll just do the talking for you. It wasn't your fault."

Zuko's fists clench. "You heard?"

"Duh," she places a hand on her hip, fixes him with a tinge of pity in her dark eyes. "The servants talk, you know."

"Well, it was my fault, regardless of what you've heard."

After the defeat of Fire Lord Ozai, some of his supporters remained. Underground networks, hidden alliances, and the possibility of another Combustion Man coming after the Avatar kept Aang shivering from the nightmares week after week. It kept everyone on edge for a little while after the instant relief of victory washed away, replaced with thoughts of the Dai Lee or Ozai supporters.

Every week, the Order of the White Lotus and members of the crew went out to investigate and clean up remaining threats, from tearing down their secret bases to scattering the loose bandit gangs around the world. No uprising could happen soon or all of their efforts would have been for nothing.

One of the last missions Zuko went on didn't end so well.

"So what, that the water tribe girl isn't awake yet? At least she's still alive." Typical Mai. Always downplaying his problems, makes him feel like he should be over it by now. But it's not that simple.

He turns so fast; sparks fly from his fingers. "It's been nearly a week! She should be awake by now! Everyone's worried sick about her and I'm the one who put in her that state!"

She raises a brow, unamused by another one of his dramatic antics. "Zuko. You're overthinking things. We have the best doctors in the entire world. They say she should be waking up any day now, so please come back to the meetings. You're still the Fire Lord, you know."

Mai walks over to him, rests her hands against his chest. His pulse beats quickly, almost like the hum of a dragonfly's wings. They've been together for so long now; he's the only one she'll openly show affection to. He's earned her trust, despite feeling like he isn't deserving of it at all some days. She kisses his cheek, once, twice. He places his hand over hers, allows her comfort to put him at ease. She's right.

But sometimes he wishes she wasn't.  


* * *

Sunlight beams through the window in a crowded room.

"Shh, you're going to wake her!"

"I thought that was the point."

"Be quiet! We don't want to startle her when she wakes up!"

"Guys, I think she's already awake."

A pair of aqua eyes slowly opens. There are too many faces in front of her, two of which immediately bombard her with hugs.

"You're alive!" Sokka yells, too close to her ears. "Ah, I'm so glad! My sister is finally awake everybody!"

"Sokka?" Katara says, voice cracking from the lack of use. Her brother never hugged her like this, like she almost died or something. And who was this other kid with the blue arrow on his head?

"Katara!" the boy exclaims, a wide smile on his face. "I was so worried about you! When Toph told us what happened, I couldn't believe it. I was so angry I wasn't there to protect you."

Toph? "I'm sorry," Katara says, pulling away from the both of them. Her eyes scan the room, everyone's face an expression of relief but hers wears confusion. "Who are all of you people?"

"Haha, real funny, Katara," Sokka points at her, laughing despite himself. "You've only been out for a few days and have lost your mind already? Nice one."

"I don't," she says, wonders where she's at right now. "I don't know what you're talking about. I've been out for how many days?"

"Uh, I think she's serious," says Toph. "She did get hit pretty hard in that fight. Aang knows how hard an earth bender hits."

"Enough to lose her memory though?" Aang asks. The thought seems almost absurd. He turns to her, brows furrowed. "Katara, I'm Aang. The Avatar?"

"I…" Katara says, unsure. She thought the Avatar had been missing for years. Doesn't understand what's going on. "I don't know. I don't know any of you, besides my brother."

Sokka's mouth hangs open. "No, no way, there's no way she could have been hit that hard! Katara's been in multiple fights, you think one good hit to the head would do this?"

Suki places her hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Sokka. I don't think she would pretend not to know anyone here."

The only person she recognizes in the room is Sokka and she's never seen him with any of his friends before. Wasn't even aware Sokka could make these many friends, actually. They argue back and forth, Sokka's voice rising multiple octaves as Suki tries to calm him down. Something about a bad accident, wrong timing during a fight. He looks almost hysterical, asks what could be done to fix this. Katara doesn't know what needs to be fixed, all she knows is that her body feels heavy and she has no idea where they are.

Red walls surround her, and the curtains hold a deep burgundy hue. Everything seems a little too red in this room, she worries. There's a Fire Nation flag hanging on the wall above her. Fire Nation? Panic sets in and she flies out of the bed, a sad stream of water from a cup held in front of her as a poor defense.

"Katara?!"

"Sokka! We need to go! This is Fire Nation territory!" The stream of water trembles as she attempts to maintain a strong grip on it. Why is he just standing there so casually? And how could he let her stay in this room for so long? "This isn't safe, this is dangerous!"

He holds his hands up. "Woah, Katara, calm down. It's fine, this is fine."

"No, it's not!"

"Yes, it is!" He takes a few steps toward her and she eyes everyone around her suspiciously. They don't have the look of fire benders, but they do look strong. All eyes are on her with concerned expressions, but they make no move toward her. Makes her feel a little crazy, standing there wild-eyed. "These are our friends! And the Fire Nation has been defeated! Aang took Fire Lord Ozai down, remember?"

Katara glances at Aang, the boy who claimed to be the Avatar. Aang nods viciously, "It's true, I did! I took away his bending!"

"You… did what? No, that's not possible."

"It is when you're the Avatar!" He flashes a toothy grin at her. Suddenly, her head is pounding and the stream of water splashes onto the wood floor. This is too much. Fire Lord Ozai was taken down, being in Fire Nation territory, taking away someone's bending. For a second, she forgets where she came from. Where was home again? Black spots cloud her vision and the last thing she sees is them rushing over to catch her.  


* * *

Voices. Two? No, three? Tense voices that sound a mile away.

One of them is Sokka. He hasn't been this angry since their father left for the war. "How could you let this happen to her?"

"It wasn't his fault!" A young girl's voice, an edge of defensiveness. "We were trapped!"

"What do you mean, it wasn't his fault?! If he hadn't shot his fireballs in such a confined space, then maybe they wouldn't have oh, I don't know, felt even more threatened? It was stupid!"

"You weren't even there," she retorts, "You may as well blame the whole team then!"

"Yeah, well, maybe I should!"

"I'm sorry." A deep and husky voice. "I should have known better."

Sokka's voice lowers. "Yeah. For someone who's supposed to be the new Fire Lord, you couldn't even keep my sister safe. How can you possibly protect your nation? Maybe you should just go back to being… being a lame… tea maker!"

"Hey!" the girl says. "There's nothing wrong with tea makers. Maybe you should go somewhere else with your bad insults."

"Fine! I will! I can't even stand to look at you!"

"Yeah, well, I can't either, and I can't even see!"

Silence. Footsteps stomp away in two opposite directions but Katara hears a chair scrape softly beside her. A deep sigh. She doesn't want to open her eyes right now, doesn't want to face reality. Sokka keeps arguing and it must be for a reason. Not like he doesn't argue any other day, but he normally reserves this tone for serious matters. She knows. She knows something is wrong with her and that these people should be familiar to her. But all she remembers is Sokka and who she is. She remembers how little her skills at water bending are, and she knows her name, but why can't she remember the place she grew up? She rakes her memory for it, but nothing comes to mind. What happened to her?

"Katara," the raspy voice from earlier softens. "I'm so, so sorry. I promise I'll make this right. I have to. I don't know how, but I will."

He sounds so sad. Regret drips from his tone. He sounds like he's carrying the weight of the world all by himself. It pulls at her heartstrings, suddenly reminds Katara of her mother having to take care of two children on her own. It's okay, she wants to tell him. Things happen and surely it wasn't truly his fault. And she was still alive, so it mustn't be all that bad.

Her consciousness slips away again and the memory of her mother humming when she fell and scraped her knee tugs at her mind. It feels like she can smell and hear her sitting beside her in a cot, healing her wounds. The water glowing with a bright essence that represents life. It was nice to finally recall something nostalgic in her past. She can't remember the last time she's felt this warmth, basks in it for maybe longer than necessary. Suddenly feels too warm. Fire. In a flash, the instant reality that her mother is dead hits her hard and the tears come rolling down her cheeks. The Fire Nation took her. She's never going to see her again. Hopeless dread suffocates her, makes it hard to breathe. Of everything she could remember, why this?

The grief makes her limbs heavy and she cannot bring herself to move.

Somebody wipes her tears gently away from her face. The memory of her mother's voice is soothing, tells her it will be okay. To suddenly relive her mother's death as though it's the first time she learns of it is cruel. She hopes it'll all be okay.


	2. an open heart

Every day, a fire lily keeps Katara company when she wakes up. She doesn't know who puts them there, but she appreciates how beautiful they are. Water glistens on the petals, meaning someone has also been taking care of them meticulously while she must be asleep.

Uncle Iroh, an old fire bender and tea maker, often takes walks with her around the palace's gardens. An abundance of fire lilies grows, despite the hot summer heat beating down on them. He entertains her with stories of his youth, teaches her about the history of the Earth Kingdom and Water Tribes, about the Air Nomads, and he makes sure not to leave out the mistakes of the Fire Nation. When he brings up what they've done, she feels her skin crawl with fear and her legs itch to run. To run far away from this place and never come back. Her gut tells her she shouldn't be here, that maybe they're secretly keeping her hostage.

But Sokka is here with her, and that's all that matters. One night, he tried to restore her memories with a poorly drawn presentation. Appa looked like a poorly shaped potato. She didn't know if he was joking or being serious, but when she saw the flying bison in person, she had no choice but to believe him. Aang even took her on a ride and she'd never held on so tight to anything in her life when they first lifted off. Aang had placed his hand against hers, reassuring. And the way Aang looked at her… She doesn't remember how she should feel about it, but she smiled at him, nonetheless.

Slowly but surely, a person had to excuse themselves due to work, or some other matter that she never quite caught. They had tried everything they could think of. When they reminisce and tell her things she's done, things she can't even recognize herself doing, it's like looking into the lens of someone else. She's learned to paste a smile on her face, so as not to bring the mood down. But she hears the strain in Sokka's voice when he speaks to Suki, hushed tones outside of her door.

A month later and still no recollection. At one point, Toph got in her face about being no fun, but Katara only looked at her like she was crazy before Toph shrugged. Uncle Iroh advised them that time was all she needed and a cup of well-made jasmine tea. He seems to think tea is the cure for almost everything. And the new Fire Lord Zuko doesn't come around often but she's heard quite a bit about him. When everyone is in her room, she can see him just beyond the door, never coming in. Almost like he isn't allowed to be there. She doesn't know if it's by choice.

One early morning, when the sun has barely risen, Katara peeks an eye open when she hears the door open. She has her bets that it's Uncle Iroh coming in to water the flowers since they've admired the garden of fire lilies multiple times. Lately, though, he's been busy with the Order of the White Lotus, and she's been taking strolls alone. Even Sokka has become increasingly busy with helping those devastated by the war. She wants to come with, feels ready, but Sokka is quick to leave the room when she offers. Suki told her how upset he got when he found out she couldn't water bend or remember anyone else but him. They've only got each other, after all, so far from home.

It's a surprise when she finds out it's not Uncle Iroh.

"Fire Lord Zuko?"

He freezes, uncomfortable and caught red-handed. Katara's usually deeply asleep at this hour. She has no idea he's been sneaking into her room for the past month, every day. He knew he shouldn't have worn his heavy Fire Lord outfit so early but the meeting this morning was going to start sooner than usual. "Please, call me Zuko."

"My name's Katara. It's nice to finally meet you," she smiles and sits up. He flinches, as if she's punched him.

"I know who you are."

"Oh." That voice. She remembers it in the form of an apology from forever ago. Confused, she asks, "You're the one who's been taking care of the flower?"

Zuko debates lying to her, some made up story about how Uncle Iroh couldn't tend to it today but thinks better of it. Just because she lost her memory doesn't mean she'll take kindly to being lied to. Uncle Iroh and her have become close in the past month, and Zuko can't have her thanking his uncle for something he wouldn't know about.

"Uh, yeah," he says, stands there awkwardly. A long stretch of silence between them.

"Well, thanks. They look lovely."

"No problem."

Katara watches him fidget. According to the stories, Zuko used to be their enemy and stalker. And she used to hate him. Doesn't remember how she's supposed to feel about him now. He's done very bad things in his past but Toph, Aang, and Suki seem to be in favor of him despite Sokka's complaints. Uncle Iroh's even talked a great deal about his nephew; smiled proudly when he said Zuko had come a long way, and for the better.

Zuko finally takes a seat, elbows on his knees, rests his chin on his clasped hands. Looks less like a Fire Lord and more like a troubled guy. To her surprise, he's very handsome, but his face looks far too young to be a Fire Lord. The scar on his eye is jarring, and her hand aches to rest upon it. Uncle Iroh told her how Zuko received the scar and it had brought her to tears. How could his own father do that to him?

"Are you… feeling any better?"

"Yeah," she says, a little bashful at having stared for too long. "My body feels less heavy and the headaches have gone away. I still can't remember everyone, but I trust I'm in good hands."

"Good."

Another moment of silence. He's awfully quiet. They don't know what to say to each other, how to act. She doesn't remember what their relationship was like before all of this, so instead, Katara rambles the first thing that comes to mind, "I guess I was scared when I first woke up. I tried to water bend from a cup but that didn't go so well."

"You tried to water bend?"

"Yeah. But I could barely control the water and it spilled all over the floor… By the way, sorry about that."

Zuko jumps up, wonders why he didn't think of this sooner. "That must be it!" Feels like it should be obvious. "Maybe you can't remember anything because you don't remember water bending."

"Aang's been trying," she says, regretful. "I just can't seem to learn it fast enough."

Upon the realization that Katara couldn't water bend anymore, Aang had been reteaching her with the fountain's water in the garden. Little by little, she could make the water flow the direction she wanted but sometimes it would hit the water with a loud splash, and she would be done for the day. As the Avatar, Aang was very patient with her but she felt bad about him having to teach her when he had more important duties to tend to. She just couldn't learn as fast as she wanted to, and it was frustrating to hear how great she was before her accident.

The pain in her voice brings him to shame. Being able to bend was the core for many benders, it was who they are. It was vital to their very being, but he took it away from her. Without thinking, he takes both of her hands into his, eager to make up for what he's done. "We'll get you a teacher. Not that Aang isn't a good teacher… but maybe you need to learn it from your old mentor again."

She purses her lips. "I just don't see how that would make a difference. And besides, I don't even know who my old mentor is."

"I do," he says, a hint of shame at some faraway memory. "She only comes out at night. Lucky for us, she'll be here tomorrow night."

"I don't know if that's a smart thing to do. Sokka doesn't want me going out where it's not safe."

"I'll be with you. I'll keep you safe."

The look in his eyes is so fierce, her face heats up and he quickly realizes he's still got both of her hands in his own. He pulls away, doesn't want her to get the wrong idea. Doesn't really understand that logic himself. The wrong idea? It's not like anything is going on. But the guilt nips at him, Mai scolding him for not being more aware he's the Fire Lord and for being so reckless.

"The Fire Lord sneaking away from his palace?" Katara teases.

The corner of his mouth lifts, almost a smile. "Good thing I won't be coming here as the Fire Lord."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm coming as Zuko. Just… Zuko." A group of Fire Nation soldiers begin their march outside of the window. He's late for the meeting again, and this one was especially important. Mai would give him hell for it later. "Be ready to sneak out of here tomorrow night."

Katara laughs and his chest feels ten times lighter. A sweet sound, almost a melody. Doesn't remember her ever laughing at him like that before the accident. He must remind himself that it's not her though, this wasn't the same Katara who initially despised him, didn't trust him. When he leaves her room, he knows the real Katara would never forgive him for what he's done. She sees his faults, his mistakes, the bad in him. The real Katara sees him for who he is.


	3. moonlight looks best (on you)

When Zuko comes to her room in the middle of the night, it's through the window.

She almost screams, until he places his hand against her mouth and lifts the Blue Spirit mask. He gives her a tentative smile and she feels her wild heart slow to a more comfortable pace. Dressed in black, they leave through the window, making sure to fluff some pillow under the blankets in the off chance someone checks in on her.

She doesn't know how to feel about sneaking out with the Fire Lord. Wishes she could remember what they were like before and who they were to each other. She wants to ask him why he's been so secretive about seeing her and why he doesn't talk to the others. This isn't exactly the behavior of a nation's leader.

Zuko holds her hand in his, guides her through the shadows of the palace. He knows this place, no matter how many years he was in exile. The voices of the guards lift and fade as they weave their way around.

Their defense has been a lot lower now since there haven't been any real threats coming after Zuko and the Avatar, not after what happened with his father. Feels like a good thing that the guards finally have a chance to relax, but Mai thinks otherwise. She encourages him to push his guards into staying more alert, doing more drills, and increased patrols. Now that she finally has him, she's scared at any chance of losing him again. He wishes she would trust him, trust in their people like he has.

They make it to the big wall that surrounds the palace, meant for protection. Lately, it's felt more like a prison, keeping Zuko away from the world. Katara feels the same, stuck in that room all day. Feels like forever ago they were on that wild adventure trying to save the world.

He scales the wall fast, familiar with the grooves and bricks that seem a little too perfectly pushed out in the right places. Their big escape from the palace is exhilarating, to say the least. The two of them work well together, she thinks. Wonders how he got so good at sneaking out especially being that he's the Fire Lord. He throws the rope down for her, steady, doesn't even hesitate to grab her when she slips a little, pulls her up by her forearms with a grip so strong she's clearly underestimated his size underneath the grand clothing he always wears these days.

"Trust me," he says, when she gawks at how far the ground is from the top of the wall. He pulls her to his side, and she isn't afraid to cling tight. He knows what to do. She keeps her eyes close until her feet hit the dirt ground and opens them to find Zuko looking at her… curiously, maybe?

"What is it?"

"Nothing," he says, quick. She squints her eyes at him but doesn't press on it.

The walk in the forest feels much faster; they don't have to work to stay quiet. She can hear the waves crashing before they even make it out of the darkness, and when she emerges, the beach feels a lot brighter than the forest and palace combined. She rushes to the edge of the water and turns back to face Zuko, smiles real big at him. Makes him feel good about himself, for once.

"You took me to the beach?"

"Yeah, figured it would be the best place to start."

"It's beautiful here. I didn't even realize the Fire Nation had places like this," Katara says, bends down to run her fingers through the water. Tries to hide the excitement in her voice. Always assumed the Fire Nation was all heat, metal cages, and military. Can anybody blame her? "So, where's this old mentor of mine?"

"She's in the sky," he says, notices how the moonlight casts a soft glow on Katara's warm, brown skin. It was a full moon tonight, and Zuko recalls Uncle Iroh telling him that water benders got their source of power from the moon. The way it pulls and pushes the tides of the ocean.

Katara doesn't know what to say. Thinks of the bad things she's been told about him and can't seem to paint him in that image. Instead, she gives him a hug without warning, "Thank you." He doesn't know how to respond, so he just wraps his arms around her awkwardly.

The water bending techniques Aang taught her in the gardens seemed easy enough. But after an hour of the water consistently escaping back into the ocean, she ends up splashing it angrily. Zuko sees more of the old Katara coming back, but he's not about to tell her that right now. "I don't understand! I'm a water bender, so why isn't it coming naturally?"

"Try drawing your energy from the moon."

"I am!" The water clings to her hips, her all black ensemble left beside Zuko at the shore. She wears her water tribe undergarments, the white practically glowing. "I just… feel stuck. I'm not sure how to draw up the energy."

Zuko gets up from the sand and starts to undress.

"What are you doing?"

"I think I know a way around it." His skin is as white as snow and his physique is fit. Shivering, he stands beside her in the water. "My uncle taught me this when he was studying water benders. It's supposed to help the energy flow in your body." Demonstrating, he takes his arm and extends it from his body, alternating sides so that it looks fluid, almost like… water itself.

"Like… this?"

"Close. Your arms have to be higher." He moves beside her to raise her arms. Warm skin against cold. Her breath hits his chest and he works to still his own. They move together naturally, back and forth, almost in a dance. Goosebumps rise on Katara's arms and he apologizes.

"No, it feels nice, actually. The warmth." At this, they both take a step away from each other, more intrigued in the way their surroundings look. She feels dumb for saying that. For the sake of switching topics, says, "I think I've got it down though."

Zuko's face is flushed. He doesn't remember when being close to Katara came so easily. Glancing back at the shore, he knows she doesn't need him in the ocean with her. But the water is cold, and it's a hot summer night. Thinks it would be smarter to stay where it'll cool him down, but really, he just wants to be near her. They practice the motion of pushing and pulling the tides together until Katara can control the waves.

"Look, Zuko! I'm doing it!" She moves the water steadily, a grin on her face. "Who knew I'd learn water bending from a fire bender?"

"Being a fire bender doesn't mean anything when it comes to clearing your energy. At least, that's what Uncle would tell me."

"What made you want to do this? Teach me, that is."

She looks at him with curious eyes and he doesn't want to tell her that it's to fix his wrongs. Doesn't want to admit to her what he's done, yet. "We were friends, you know."

"Were?" She raises a brow at him.

"Are," he smiles. When they return to shore to dry off, he asks, "What do you remember?"

Katara hums, looks up at the wide expanse of the night sky, adorn with millions of stars. "I remember who I am, and I remember my brother."

"That's it?"

A fire blazes between them, the tree branches hold their clothes to dry. The flames dance in Zuko's eyes, amber gold.

"And… the first day I woke up, I remembered my mother. The Fire Nation took her."

"I'm sorry," Zuko says, feeling déjà vu. This isn't the first time he's had to apologize for it.

"But, I'm sure you already knew that. It was just hard, at first. It felt like she was right there beside me, and then the next moment, she was gone. When really, she's been gone for a while."

"I lost my mom to the Fire Nation too. And I had to live with the family who chased her away. I understand what you're feeling."

Katara places a hand on his arm, with sympathy he feels he doesn't deserve.

"I guess the Fire Nation took something important away from the both of us."

Zuko sees her eyes glisten and thinks of Ba Sing Se, when he and Uncle Iroh tried to turn their lives around, even if it was short lived. It must have been mere coincidence, or fate, that pulled him and the Avatar into one place. That was when he betrayed Katara's trust, right after they bonded over losing their mothers to the Fire Nation. He had needed the Avatar to return home, to restore his honor.

Whether he followed the path of good or proved his loyalty to his father, Katara's face was always the first to pop up. Her disappointment, her hurt, her pride in him for making the right decision. And he doesn't know why, but he cares what she thinks of him.

"What do you remember about me?" He asks, suddenly, because he needs to know. "And not what the others have told you, but from your own memories."

"I don't," she starts, confused. "I already told you. I don't remember anybody other than my brother."

"Look at my face and tell me what you feel," Zuko says. "You must hate me, right? Somewhere deep inside of you, you don't trust me, or don't like me."

Katara looks at him, actually looks at him, and feels nothing of the sort. Not even when he makes the fire burst brighter than it should, enough to scare off the rabbits in the forest. "What are you trying to gain from this?"

His head bows. "Katara, it was-"

"Look!"

Suddenly, she points at a shooting star, just as quick as it appears, it's gone. "Quick, you have to make a wish." She clasps her hands together and closes her eyes.

Zuko swallows down his words. Closes his eyes and puts his hands together, but his mind is too concentrated on other things to think of what to wish for. It was his fault for not watching her back in that last fight with the earth bender bandits, and as always, he somehow manages to screw things up. And now, the one person who should hate him the most is the one who hates him the least. He wishes she would treat him how she really feels, how she should feel.

"I don't hate you," she says, when he finally opens his eyes. It catches him by surprise. "You've been there for me since I woke up and you brought me here, to the source of my water bending powers. You aren't as horrible of a person as you think you are." And when she smiles at him, there's a weird ache in his chest.

Because maybe, as much as he hates to admit it, he wants Katara's approval as much as he feared his father. Maybe more. But she can't be his saving grace, a girl to nurse his bad habits and old demons. She's more than that. Being around her felt like it could somehow make everything he's ever done into something right again, felt like a way to redeem his mistakes.

But looking at her right now, cast in the light of the moon, he wants to see her again like this. Without any obligations. He doesn't want to be near her to right his wrongs, but simply because he wants to.


	4. let us be us

Sokka's been holding back.

To even imagine his little sister sneaking out with the same guy who couldn't watch her back in the middle of a fight; oh, he's livid.

Sokka rants openly in front of Katara and whoever happens to be within a 10-foot radius. Suki is the only one who stays with the water siblings, the rest of them know it's a family matter. Katara doesn't just sit there and let it happen though. Argues back because Zuko and her have made more progress in the past week with her water bending than in the month the others had tried. She doesn't get it.

"Of course, you don't get it!" he had yelled. "You're supposed to be recovering and staying safely in here but oh no, Mr. I'm-A-Fire-Lord-So-I-Can-Do-Whatever-I-Want takes you out in the middle of the night to a dark and dangerous forest!"

"A beach, Sokka," Katara smarts. "Not a forest, a beach."

"Oh, even better. Just off the coast of Fire Nation territory, an easy target for our enemies to attack!"

"Nobody is going to attack the Fire Nation," Suki reprimanded him. She's careful not to take any sides, plays the role of a neutral party. "But I agree with Sokka, you're not fully healed yet."

"I just don't see how staying in this room all day is going to help!"

Sokka paced the room, hands in the air. "You can take walks in the garden. You can roam the palace all you want, but I don't want you anywhere near Zuko, not until you remember who he is."

"But I know who he is!" If they were children again, Sokka could imagine her stomping her foot in the snow. "It's like, you want me to hate him or something just because you do!" At this, guilt flashed across his face that only Katara could catch.

"Listen," he said, glancing at Suki. "I just don't feel comfortable having my only sister hang out with a guy who…" Suki had cut him a look. "A guy who should be more focused on his Fire Lord duties. That's all I'm going to say on this topic."

Katara was lucky that Sokka didn't rage at Zuko the way he would have wanted to. When the two of them entered the window after one of their nights out, the look on Sokka's face was murderous. Even Zuko's face fell when he saw Mai, arms across her chest, angry. It was her idea; he came to find out later. She had her suspicions and she wasn't even surprised Zuko would pull some stunt like this. That doesn't mean it hurt her any less.

"I'm going to see him," Katara responded, defiant. "You aren't in charge of me."

When did Katara get so bratty? Sokka wanted to rip his hair out, thought of all the ways he could keep her preoccupied, or even keep Zuko busy.

"What about Aang, huh?"

"What _about_ him?" Sokka liked to guilt her with talks of Aang and how disappointed he'd be, which only irritated her further. Why would any of that matter to her? He's the Avatar, he has better things to do than worry about what she's doing. "Why do you keep bringing him up?"

Sokka looked like he was dying to spill something, but Suki had shaken her head and pulled him away from the room. Irritated, Katara watered the fire lily before it could whither up and die. She kept replaying Sokka's words in her head. Maybe she couldn't remember Zuko the way she used to, but it doesn't change the fact that he snuck her out to the ocean, a place she felt was the closest to home she'd ever been.

* * *

Mai reminds Zuko that she's his girlfriend. Or rather, feels like she has to convince him she still is.

"You can't even be bothered to go to your own meetings, Zuko," she chastises, the third night in a row. "And why won't you ever just talk to me?"

For Mai, the nights she stayed up waiting for her lover to return to bed only to find out he's been rendezvousing with the water tribe girl in the middle of the night came as a no-brainer. For her, she was used to keeping her mouth shut about things that should matter. She did it with Azula, and by habit, she did it with Zuko. But now that he was Fire Lord and she was going to be the Fire Lord's wife someday, the weight of their issues was a lot heavier on the tongue.

He wishes he could be anywhere but here, wishes Mai would just stop and be quiet for once. It's been three days of her constant nagging when all he wanted to do was go to bed. That's a horrible thought, he realizes, and he wants to take it back almost immediately. Mai's done so much for him than he could ever repay. This is the girl he should be in love with. But as he sits here, feeling trapped in his own room, he misses the calmness of the ocean and the smell of salt in Katara's hair and the last time they were on the beach. She knocked her shoulder into his, laughing about-

"Are you even listening? Please say something so it feels like I'm not talking to a wall."

Mai stands before him; demands the attention he knows he owes her. "I've been going to the meetings," he says, lamely.

"That's all you can say for yourself? That's literally your job."

"What else do you want me to say?" The first few times Mai's grilled him about going off with the water tribe girl, he apologized. Profusely. Bowed his head so low to the ground, he thinks the previous Fire Lords would be ashamed of him. They would have never shown their wives any respect, not even behind closed doors. "I've already apologized, I even go to the meetings on time. I help Uncle with his tea shop and run drills with our soldiers. What more do you want?"

The last question feels like a slap in the face. "Really, Zuko. When's the last time we've even gone on a date?"

"That's what you're worried about?" he says, incredulous. "You know we don't have time-"

"Don't have time? And yet here you are, Fire Lord Zuko, sneaking out with a girl who isn't even yours. In case you've forgotten, that's the Avatar's girl."

"I never," Zuko sputters, feels a little ashamed at how it must have looked. He remembers holding hands with her every time they snuck out of the palace, knows at some point, it had to mean more than just helping her watch her footing. "I never claimed her as my girl!"

"You sure act like she is."

"I'm trying to help her, as my friend," Zuko says. Emphasizes the word 'friend' but doesn't know if he's trying to convince Mai or himself.

"Well, I'm your _girlfriend_ ," she seethes, "And you treat me like even less of a friend. You don't talk to me. You treat me like… like… I don't even know what. Do you even love me anymore?" Her voice cracks.

For a while now, they spent a lot of their time wrapped up in blankets closer than their arms would ever be. Only at night, when the demands of generals and cries of war-torn children didn't require their immediate attention, and few words were exchanged between the two before sleep pulled him under first. So, he supposes their relationship hasn't exactly been much of one.

Instinctively, Zuko reaches out to grab her but she yanks her hands away and states, "No. You can't expect to hold me and have it all go away this time."

Sometimes, he forgets how long they've been together. And sometimes, when they're on the verge of breaking up, he doesn't know how to feel. But she always comes back. It's a curse and a blessing, Mai's love. She would do almost anything for him.

"I'm sorry."

She turns away, so he can't see the tears. It's rare to see her cry; she's usually so apathetic, scolded frequently by her parents as a child to never show her weakness. But she loves, gets angry, and excited, like any other person would. She's just careful about who to show it to, and right now, it feels like Zuko's been pushed away.

"I don't know how long I can keep doing this," she says. Something has to change. They were lucky, maybe, to have had a war going on so they didn't have to worry about how to be together.

"How can I fix it?" He doesn't like making her cry, doesn't like hurting people as often as it happens. "Please, let me make it up to you."

"I think," she says, slow, voice shaky. This isn't the first time she's said it, but it might be the first time he's listening. "We should spend more time together."

"Okay," he says, a little too fast. Anything to improve their relationship.

"And, I don't want you to see her anymore."

It feels like a punch in the gut. "What?"

Instead, Mai looks at him carefully, reads the set of his jaw before he speaks. She can't be serious. "Mai," he starts. "There's nothing going on."

"Then prove it. This should be easy for you. I don't want you to see her anymore, not until all of her memories come back."

If Zuko had any idea, he would have guessed it's because Mai knows Katara would never, in a billion years, willingly hang out with him just because she wanted to. Mai could be petty, but he didn't think she could be THAT petty.

"I can't make any promises. She lives here too, you know."

"Then I guess we'll just have to spend more time together away from here. A date. We'll go on dates," Mai says, hopes Zuko will follow through. If she's observed anything in the short amount of time she's been with Team Avatar, it's that Zuko's eyes tend to follow the water tribe girl. Even when he thinks nobody is looking. But she watches him from a distance, like she always has. She isn't ready for him to break her heart again, not for another girl. She knows him like the back of her hand, knows his tell-tales, even if he believes what he's saying is true.

"Okay," he says, quickly. Before she even finished her sentence. "I'll take you out on more dates. I know we haven't seen much of each other, but I'll make it up to you, I swear." And he smiles at her, but the corner of his bottom lip slightly trembles.

That's already one of his tells.


	5. acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the lovely comments! i appreciate it, it inspires me~

Zuko stays true to his word. So true, in fact, that he never saw it coming when Aang and Katara disappear for a couple of weeks.

He tells Mai he's going to visit his Uncle Iroh's tea shop, a new branch in one of the Fire Nation villages. She was sprawled out on the bed, at ease, probably knew the exact time and date Aang and Katara had left. Is a bit peeved she didn't let him know ahead of time. She says she forgot.

The brand new tea shop bustles with customers and staff members, handpicked by his very own uncle. People bow in his presence, and Zuko forces a smile back, tilts his head. It was like this when he and Mai went out on their many dates. The way shop keepers would offer him free samples or compliment how beautiful his lady was that day. Mai was happy to be anywhere he was, latched onto his arm, but he craved the tranquility of the ocean, the peace and quiet.

"Ah, if it isn't my dear nephew, finally back from the clutches of romance and love," Uncle Iroh greets him with a wide smile and a hug. "I hear you and the lady have been spending lots of quali-tea time together." He winks.

"Yeah." Zuko shakes his head at the poorly made pun. "Lots of it."

Even though they don't spend nearly as much time together as they used to, Uncle Iroh can still sense the stress in his nephew's voice. "What's wrong? Are you having lady troubles?"

Zuko glances around at all the faces. "Come," Uncle Iroh says, "Let's take a walk, shall we?"

Once far enough away from all the prying ears, he asks, "What's troubling you, nephew?"

A deep breath. "Katara."

"Ah, the water tribe girl. She and the Avatar are visiting the Spirit Guru at one of the Air Temples. Something about clearing up all of her chakras to restore balance and maybe even her memories."

So Aang was trying to help her. That's good, he tells himself. But there's something else that nags at him, has been eating at him for so many days now.

"Uncle," Zuko says. Takes a deep breath in. Changes his mind at the last second, "How am I supposed to be around her after what happened? She's going to remember everything and then hate me, like before. I'm going to lose her trust again."

In the cave, taunts from the earth bender bandits struck at his ego; they knew what they were saying. Their team was split, Toph and Suki on one side of the rock barricade and Zuko and Katara on the other. He should have put more faith in Toph, but when he heard them call him a sellout, that Azula would have been better on the throne, and how he turned his back on her, his "insane and pitiful" sister… He snapped, threw fireballs and curse words out at them in one fluid motion. His recklessness hurt Katara and he didn't have time to jump over and push her out of the way.

"I am sure she will remember that it was an accident."

"But Uncle," he pleads. "If I hadn't let their words get to my head, if I hadn't reacted so carelessly…!"

"My dear nephew," Uncle Iroh says, smelling some flowers. "You must learn to let these things go. Just think about it. You are doing the exact same thing that caused your mistake in the first place. You are holding on to things that are out of your control."

Children run past them, chasing after their ball. "It's hard to let go."

"You've done it before, and you can do it again. Just breathe, Fire Lord Zuko. Things always have a way of working themselves out."

"And now Mai hates me," Zuko continues. "I wasn't able to let go and accept what happened with Katara, and when I tried to fix it, Mai just grew angry at me."

They find a bench underneath a sparse tree. Uncle Iroh is amused. "That usually happens with women."

"I don't know what to do." Zuko places his head into his hands. Looks at the cracks on the brick tiles and watches the grass struggle to grow past them. Mai is jealous, he knows that much. But Katara means a lot to him, whether he'd like to admit it or not. And he can't. The feelings grew slowly, and he thought it wouldn't flare up again, but his mistakes keep drawing him back to her. And he can't ever admit it because well, what does that mean for him and Mai? What does it say about their relationship? Besides, it's not like anything would ever, ever happen between he and Katara. And he hates the fact that he's been agonizing over the possibilities for days now.

"Did you try apologizing?"

"Of course." He can't tell if his Uncle is humoring him or not. "But she doesn't want me to see Katara until she remembers me again."

"You have to let her go, Fire Lord Zuko."

Let her go? "What are you talking about, Uncle?"

"Do not tell me that you're only worried about Mai's anger with you or Katara's anger at you. There is something else there. You must know it as well, deep inside of yourself."

Zuko doesn't say anything. Uncle Iroh asks, "When I told you to let her go, who first came to mind?"

Silence. Suddenly, Zuko stands, his shoulders tense, "I come to you for help with my relationship, and you give me riddles?"

"I do not," Uncle Iroh replies, raises his brows. "I simply asked a question for you to seek the answer to."

"I don't know the answer!" Zuko exclaims, frustration guiding his tongue. "I'm supposed to be the Fire Lord. Mai is going to be my wife someday, I can't- I can't turn my back on her. I can't start over again. What would the rest of the Fire Nation think? And what about Aang? What if-" What if it isn't reciprocated?

Uncle Iroh doesn't say a word. The answer is written all over Zuko's face, if it wasn't already evident in his words. He can hear the whispers behind his back, the people holding an obvious favor for Mai, a Fire Nation girl. She belongs with him, on paper. Her family is wealthy enough and part of council, a girl worthy of a Fire Lord. Not to mention, they've been together since childhood. Mai's been a certainty in his life he couldn't have ever dreamed of with his erratic family members. And a Fire Lord with a girl from the Water Tribe is unheard of, almost taboo despite their newfound alliance with the other kingdoms and tribes.

But these days have felt different, a new era of peace between the four nations.

Maybe it was time to let go of the past and the old ways, Zuko thought when he left his Uncle at the tea shop. They had hugged, Zuko's apology at his earlier frustration getting caught in his throat. His uncle had a way of letting him figure out the answer himself, even if it wasn't what he wanted to accept. Besides, Uncle Iroh always knew, especially the way Zuko looked at Katara, after the fight with Azula. Like he found his honor and maybe a little more with her. If anything, that fight only solidified what was already blossoming between the two.

When he returns to his bedchambers, Mai fast asleep under the covers, he tucks a strand of hair away from her angular, beautiful face. Beautiful, cold Mai with her tongue as sharp as her knives. Three years of distance between them was a huge difference. They grew separately, the fault of the Fire Nation. Mai was, and still is, bored of her family's politics, the state of the Fire Nation, and being cooped up inside like a caged bird. Zuko challenged his rage, learned the true source of fire bending, and was inspired by a group of people who shared more ideals with him than his own people. Mai and Zuko have never reintroduced themselves. So when he's lying in bed, the light from the moon illuminating his room, he thinks of Uncle Iroh's question and finds his answer:

Mai. He needs to let go of Mai.


	6. sunkissed

The Fire Nation palace buzzes with wide smiles, festive lights, and loose laughter from the many rounds of drinks. The beats from the drumming lure people into dancing, and it's the most carefree anyone's felt in months. If there's anything the Fire Nation excelled at other than the wars, it was their parties. Former Fire Lord Ozai was not as easily impressed by the traditions of parties and if one were to look at Zuko's expression, the only difference between the two would be the scar.

"Hey, cheer up," Suki says, right beside him. Tonight, she had the role of playing security to the Fire Lord, an honorable title, which actually felt more like a babysitter. "This isn't so bad. Why not go out and find someone to dance with?"

"Not interested," he states, almost coldly.

"Where's Mai?"

Zuko exhales hard, and Suki regrets asking. "We broke up."

As expected, Mai didn't show up to the celebratory party they were having. There was no reason, not like there would have been much reason even if they were still together. She would have been extremely bored, and probably let other guys hit on her like on Ember Island, Zuko thinks. Just as quick, he shakes that thought from his head, knows he's just bitter because she was almost too calm about their breakup.

He must admit, this time was much more respectful as compared to locking her in a cell on the Boiling Rock or leaving a poorly written letter behind for her. She took it a little too well, face stoic, voice neutral. The last words she said to him before she left the room were, "I knew it was too good to be true."

Zuko guesses that maybe all those dates and then breaking things off may not have been good timing on his part.

"I'm sorry," Suki responds, for lack of better words. She wasn't too familiar with Mai and Zuko's relationship, saw them both wear similar expressions of boredom at events. Plus, Mai never shot her anything more than a glance either, no comment about the fact she and Azula stole her comrades' gear at one point. At least Zuko apologized about burning her village down. Couldn't quite figure their relationship out but assumed that was why they clicked.

Zuko feels bad about the breakup, actually. He knows he'll miss her, a routine he's become so fond of, but for someone he should have been more in love with, he feels fine. He wonders, briefly, if he's so down about it, he's become numb. Still thinks about it out when he flips over in bed at night, one side cold and empty. Though this breakup feels more like a formal resignation and he wonders why.

The uncomfortable silence grows. "I broke things off with her," he says, just because he's the one who brought it up. This is how conversations go, right? "I just thought maybe I needed a fresh start."

Suki nods, a little too enthusiastically for him. As much as she'd absolutely love to hear all about the Fire Lord's romantic affairs, it just didn't sound as appealing as what they had over by the tables of food. She suddenly felt thirsty. Says, completely off topic, "I think I'm going to grab myself a drink. Be right back!" With that, she slips away, not eager to be a babysitter AND a therapist.

Zuko sits on the throne, by himself, and wonders how his father and grandfather could do this. Some people even come up to him and bow, wish him a good, long life and success. It feels ridiculous to hear, especially since many knew him as the exiled prince. Even some courageous girls who have already heard the news, or haven't seen Mai anywhere, come up to ask him for a dance which he politely declines. They run away, giggling behind their hands, and he knows it was the alcohol speaking.

A few servants offer him drinks which he takes, because why not? Even Uncle Iroh is having a good time at the gambling table, pulling in all the chips. He can hear his boisterous laughter all the way from the corner. A couple hours in, and Zuko loses track of time and the amount of drinks he's had. With nothing else to do, he isn't ashamed to admit he's overdone it when he can't make out the faces of individuals. Suki's been missing for a long time, but it's fine, he thinks, doesn't want to ruin the mood with his woes.

A big commotion occurs at the entrance, one that Zuko was pretty sure he wasn't informed of. Lately, being Fire Lord feels more like a symbol.

The drums quicken their pace at the following announcement. "And welcoming back to the Fire Nation, the Avatar!"

The crowd splits respectfully, leaving a walkway in the middle of the room, and Aang trails in wearing festive Fire Nation clothing with Katara right beside him. People applaud as though they haven't been congratulating him since the downfall of Ozai. Zuko's mouth feels dry suddenly.

Everyone cheers and welcomes Aang back with a pat on the back and samples of food, but somehow Katara gets lost behind it all. Zuko doesn't understand why, thinks it's not fair. He always thought Fire Nation clothes looked best on her; it was one of the few times she ever let her hair down. They should be swarming the both of them, if not for Aang's return, then for Katara's beauty. And not only that, she was smart, and capable, and one of the biggest guides for Aang as the Avatar. She doesn't get enough credit. A swell of emotion rises in his chest and he doesn't know what to do with it.

For a second, he worries that she remembers him. But just as quickly, she catches his eye and offers up a sweet smile, as if they were the only two in the room.

She manages to escape the crowd, fluidly, and walks right up to him. "Hey."

"Uh, hey," Zuko stammers. Feels the heat rise to his cheeks much easier than if he was sober. Has it really only been two weeks since her trip with Aang? "How was the Air Temple?"

"Well," she says, a hand on her chin. "We did a whole lot of meditating and the Spirit Guru asked me questions, but nothing really changed."

Zuko's eyes trail over to Aang who was currently in the middle of performing air bending tricks. Back to his usual fun and games. "Nothing changed, huh?"

"No," she shakes her head. Then she leans in, like she's ready to tell a secret. Her eyes are really, really blue. "And, I think I'm supposed to like Aang."

He practically chokes on his drink, mid-sip. "W-What?"

"I mean, with Sokka's not so subtle hints and Aang's obvious admiration for me, especially with the way he was acting during the trip, I think before losing my memory, I was supposed to like him in a romantic way. Right?"

"Uh," Zuko says. This isn't exactly how he envisioned the two meeting up again.

"Hey!" Suki greets, showing up suddenly, saves Zuko from responding to that. Gives Katara a big hug. "Welcome back!"

Zuko looks away when he sees who's beside her. Sokka gives both his sister and girlfriend a bear hug, acknowledges Zuko with a quick nod. They're still not on very good terms.

"So," Sokka starts, grinning at his sister. "How was the trip? Are you back to the old, bossy you again?"

She shakes her head, and Sokka's face falls a little bit. They listen as Katara tells them how she struggled with opening the last chakra, explained how she was too attached to the people she cared about in her life. She couldn't let them go. Her hand touches the necklace her mother gave to her and Suki gives her a hug anyway, because at least she tried and that's all that matters.

When Katara announces that she's a little tired, Zuko and Sokka both stand up to escort her to her room. Sokka fixes Zuko with a stare that basically claims he has the right, because she's his sister. But Suki's a clever girl, puts the pieces together quick; the way Zuko's face lifted when Katara entered the room, and the breakup with Mai, and "needing a fresh start." Not to mention how his brows knit together in disappointment when Sokka glares at him.

"Hey, Sokka," Suki says, grabbing at his hand. "I'm not feeling too well, I think I drank a bit too much."

Sokka is confused. "I thought you couldn't drink because you were Zuko's security guard tonight."

"Well," she winks, "I just couldn't help myself, you know? Sorry, Zuko, I should have taken my job more seriously."

"Yeah, you should have," Sokka says, puts his hand against her forehead. "You do seem a little hot."

"Oh man, is it me or is this room spinning?" Zuko's in awe at Suki's acting, even more impressed when she somehow persuades Sokka to take her to her room, nearly "collapsing" in the process. He owes her one, even if he is a little embarrassed by how easy he is to read.

Turning to Katara, he asks, "Do you mind if I take you?" Not wanting to be a bother if she really is tired.

"I don't mind," she says, and he links his arm through hers when he steps down from his throne; barely anybody notices when their Fire Lord slips away for the night.

* * *

"You didn't look like you were enjoying your party very much."

Katara and Zuko sit on his balcony, the plan of escorting her to her room forgotten when she mentioned she was only tired of the atmosphere, and not actually tired.

With a nervous spark, he asked if she wanted to stay up and talk some more in his room and felt butterflies when she agreed. He's missed her company far more than he should.

"Yeah, well. There's not much to do."

"Not when you're sitting all by yourself on the throne," she says, looks at all the people spilling from the hall of the party. The faint music is carried to their balcony by the nighttime breeze. "You didn't want to go out there and dance like everybody else?"

"I'm not much of a dancer," he says. He's never had the chance to live a normal teenage life worrying about the next invite to lame parties. Spent most of it hunting down the Avatar instead or facing off against his deranged sister. "Do you?"

A sad smile in her voice. "I don't remember."

"Oh. Right."

It's quiet for a moment. They sit beside each other, shoulders almost touching, and Zuko can smell the salt and floral scent in her hair. Thinks of what he could say next, until she asks, quiet, "What was I like before the accident?"

He looks up at the clear night sky, wonders how he's going to answer.

He plays it safe. "You were a really good water bender."

To his surprise, she bumps his shoulder with her fist. "You know what I'm asking."

"Okay, okay," raises his arms in mock defense, smiles a little. "You were the most responsible of the group. You also didn't trust me very much. You actually uh, hated me. But it was fair because," he pauses, knows he has to commit. "Because I hated you too."

"You did?"

"Yeah, but we've moved on from that." At least, for now.

"Hmm," Katara leans over the balcony railing, deep in thought. Her legs dangle in between the columns, swing back and forth. Zuko watches her, is reminded of the times they snuck out to the beach to practice water bending. Her brown hair tumbles down her back in waves, and the red Fire Nation clothes somehow makes her look even warmer. She's always been really pretty, but he never said anything because he knew she'd give him crap for it.

A breeze blows a strand of hair from behind her ear and Zuko automatically reaches to tuck it back, feeling much bolder than he should. The drinks haven't entirely left his system.

When his hand lingers against her cheek, he's overcome by the sudden urge to kiss her.

"Why did you hate me?" she asks, pulling him from his own spell. But she doesn't move away, not even when he fumbles to shove his hand back to his side. The gap between them feels a lot smaller than before.

"Because, I guess I just thought you were getting in my way." When she raises a brow at him, he rushes to explain, "I couldn't capture the Avatar. Like I said before, you were a powerful water bender. And I needed the Avatar to return home, but you were always fighting beside him, preventing me from doing that."

"It sounds like it's a good thing we hated each other then," she says, aware of what could have happened if the Avatar was captured by the enemy. She pauses before saying, "I hated you because-"

"I know why you hated me." He was the face of the enemy.

She bites her lip. "And I don't feel that way, at all. Not even because you think you deserve it, or because Sokka hates you." At this, Zuko flinches. "I know who you are."

"But you don't." He turns away, so abruptly, she doesn't know what she said wrong. "You don't know the things I've done." _To you_ , he wants to say. Because of his ego and pride and flaws.

When she grabs his arm, it's tender, and when she looks up into his gold eyes, she says, firm, "I know you feel bad about it, but I think that's an important step in the right direction."

And maybe it was the alcohol, or the sudden ache in his chest, or because for a long time he's yearned to do this, just to see what it was like; he kisses her.

It feels like fireworks.

Their lips linger for a second before pulling away, and she reaches a hand up to place on her own lips, shocked.

Zuko's face is as red as her outfit by this point, as he rushes to say, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that, I know you're the Avatar's girl-"

"The _Avatar's_ girl?"

Uh-oh. He doesn't like the way she asked that. "Yeah, weren't you saying earlier you're supposed to be with Aang?"

"I mean," she looks baffled, kiss all but forgotten. "I said that, but I didn't mean it like _that_. I just wanted to confirm my suspicions with someone that I trusted."

Zuko blinks at her. She trusts him? "Mean it like what?"

"Like, like…" she runs a hand through her hair, a little perplexed. "I feel like I should be with Aang, like I'm obligated to, but I just don't feel that way. Nobody has said anything about it yet, so I thought I could ask you."

"So, you don't like Aang?" He's a little relieved to hear that.

Exasperated, she says, "No. But did I? Am I supposed to?"

Zuko thinks of all the times she's treated Aang's wounds, mothered him really. From scolding him like a parent to showing affection like he was her own son or something. He's seen the look in her eyes when all Aang wanted to do was mess around when he should be training, and it reminded Zuko of the way his mother looked at him sometimes when he didn't want to play with Azula. But Zuko tried not to think too much about it. Like he's always done when it comes to Katara and Aang's relationship.

"Honestly, I don't know."

Katara accepts what she can, as an answer. Maybe she was meant to be with Aang, but in this moment, Zuko was the only person she wanted to look at. Later, when she's in bed, the memory of the kiss replays. The softness, how gentle he cradled her face, the desire and confusion. It felt… right. There were a lot of things wrong, but that, at least, was the only thing that seemed to make sense.


	7. fruit tarts

The season changes just as effortlessly as Katara and Zuko's relationship has. Stolen kisses in the hallways, right before he returns to too many Fire Lord meetings. A quick embrace in her room before Suki and Sokka take her out for combat practice, Sokka eyeballing the distance between the two until Suki intentionally drops her fan, Sokka quick to pick it up for her, the gentleman he is. At the market, the villagers gossip about them too, the older ladies fixing them with sneers behind their fans. The younger girls seem to love Katara though, she's friendlier than the last girl, they whisper, when Katara wears their gift of flowers in her hair.

Katara isn't brave enough to be seen leaving his room in the middle of the night though, not with disheveled hair, swollen lips, and hidden bruises along her collarbone. Makes sure he's careful about her neck, pulls her robe tight when she's in public, just to be on the safe side. She sleeps in his bed until early morning, his arm wrapped around her middle, the scent of her lingering in his bedsheets. Waits until he leaves first before sneaking out into the hall. They haven't gone very far physically though, not at all, just because Katara feels like it'd be wrong, considering she's not even sure what they are.

But Zuko seems to know what he wants, has told her in between kisses that he's felt this way for a long time about her. Isn't regretful at all about kissing her on his balcony at that party when she and Aang returned from their trip. After all, it led to this. Though he does hesitate when he kisses her neck, or when his hands rest on her waist, the thin fabric of her clothes the only thing keeping him in check.

"I don't want everyone to hate me," he said to her, when they were at the beach again, her head against his shoulder. It's pretty much their place now.

"Nobody hates you," she murmured. But his thoughts go straight to Aang, and she can sense it. "He's happy as long as I'm happy."

Aang isn't the type to hold grudges. Sure, he felt down about it, even confessed to Sokka that he thought maybe if she got her memories back, things would go back to the way they were. And as right as Aang could possibly be, Zuko can't ever see things going back to how it used to. Not even with him and Katara, but between Mai and him. Zuko knows he could easily lose Katara once this is all done and over with, but in the meantime, he gets to live a little. Gets to experience romance outside of the Fire Nation with someone he genuinely cares about.

It sounds selfish.

But despite their developing relationship, Zuko knows Katara's memory comes first. They've made little progress, but she doesn't seem entirely worried about it. Has maybe even come to accept it. She describes the Southern Water Tribe to Zuko the way Sokka has told her, cold and snowy. And that's it. When she presses for more, Sokka just explains penguin sledding and how fun it is, which doesn't really help her.

On a slow afternoon, Uncle Iroh tells Zuko an emotional event should trigger her memories, and then hands him a steaming cup of tea. Zuko has often held the thought that now is a good time to tell her what really happened in her accident, before it's too late, but burns his tongue anyway when he swallows down the hot drink.

* * *

Katara runs into Mai during a quick trip to the market.

Her basket is full, filled with an entrée of roast duck and fruit tarts. The sun was beginning to set, painting everything in an orange hue that Katara grew to love.

Mai takes one look at the basket on Katara's hip and the corner of her mouth turns down, a fraction of an inch. She waves her servant away.

"Those for Zuko?"

Katara planned to surprise Zuko with dinner tonight, so he didn't have to drag himself to the fancy feasts Fire Lords were expected to be at. She doesn't waver, even if she is caught off guard by Mai speaking to her. "This is for the both of us."

"He prefers the hot cakes over the fruit tarts, you know." Bored, almost, like this should be a well-known fact.

Katara is stunned, doesn't know what her motive is. Feels like she should get going soon, but her mouth keeps her there. "How do you know they're for him? Maybe I wanted them."

She shrugs. "If Zuko wants some, he'll have them," adopts some of Azula's hostility. "Until he grows tired of it, the same thing over and over, that is."

Katara isn't so sure they're talking about fruit tarts anymore. Zuko's hardly spoken much about Mai, prefers not to think about her and how she made him feel about his problems; like they weren't as important as say, how she was feeling at the time. Katara knows distance has changed the two, and they no longer hold similar feelings. Mai's not passionate about things, Zuko told her. And it wasn't a bad thing to him, that was just how she is.

"Well," Katara says, real slow. "I guess it's a good thing I bought them for myself then. I should get going."

"Has he said anything about me?"

Katara stops, mid-step. Feels sorry at the fact Mai was on the receiving end of their breakup, is almost positive she wasn't as neutral about it as Zuko made her out to be. "No. Very little."

When Mai stares at her, Katara adds, "He's never said anything bad about you."

She crosses her arms against her chest, says, "Of course he wouldn't. Not in front of you."

Mai moves beside Katara, as if they're friends, and begins walking. Katara has no choice but to follow since they're both heading in the direction of the palace.

"What girl would be with a guy who badmouths their ex?" Mai asks, more to the air in front of her than Katara. She cuts a glance down at the Water Tribe girl. The top of Katara's head just reaches shy of her own lips, and she's not nearly as slim. Hates the fact Katara has more curves, more meat on her bones needed for the chilly weather at the Water Tribes' homes. Even her brown skin, the opposite of Mai's pale, porcelain skin, glows in sunlight, something Mai has always secretly envied.

They walk in silence, Katara unsure what else to say. Mai asks, "Do you really not remember anything, at all? Nothing?"

"No," Katara answers. "We've been at it for months now, but I just don't."

"I don't know if I believe you. Surely, something he must have said should have sparked a memory by now." Inspects her nails. "Unless he hasn't told you everything."

Katara straightens. "He's told me enough."

Mai stops and turns to face her, peers into her eyes with an intensity she's never seen. "No. He hasn't."

"I trust him." Katara looks right back at her, unwilling to be intimidated.

At this, Mai laughs, a mirthless sound. Continues walking. "Trust? Being in the Fire Nation, you learn not to trust anyone. It's all a charade, an act."

"Look, just because Zuko hurt you," Katara starts.

"So naïve," Mai stops her, with a wave of dismissal. "It has nothing to do with the fact he hurt me. I expected it. I'm telling you, your trust in him will only get you in trouble. Believe me. You don't want to be involved."

"And why should I trust you?"

They make it to his hallway, but he hasn't shown up yet. Mai says, "Doesn't it bother you that you don't know much about your accident, that no one's cared to tell you?"

"They said I got hit pretty hard," Katara says, her head suddenly beginning to pound. It's been doing that more and more lately.

"Yeah, and you wouldn't have if Zuko wasn't the one directly responsible for hitting you in the first place."

"What? An earth bender hit me, not Zuko."

Mai looks amused. "No. It was Zuko. Your team split up, Zuko got angry, and one of his fireballs hit a hanging rock ledge, sliding right into you."

"He said an earth bender did it," Katara says, feeling uneasy. That's what he told Sokka and Aang, even Suki and Toph were there and they didn't refuse it. But if what she's saying is true, then that means Zuko…

"Your team was split up," Mai emphasizes, growing frustrated with her naiveté. "How could the others have seen what happened? The earth blocked their view. Zuko lied. He lied because he was afraid, and because he knew it was his fault. Looks like you don't know him as well as you thought you did."

"Mai!"

Their heads turn sharply toward the sound of the voice. Zuko stands at the end of the hallway, only a few feet between them, but enough to see the despair on Katara's face. He knows Mai, knows her tricks and has always hated how often she hung around Azula. Often enough to pick up some bad habits. He storms up to Mai, "What did you tell her? What did you say?"

"Nothing," she slinks against the wall. "I just told her the truth because you were too much of a coward to."

His eyes widen. "I had every intention of telling her!" He says, voice booming in the hallway. Knowing Mai, her execution of the truth wasn't how it should have come out. They've barely talked in the last couple of months. She seemed to be doing fine since he's heard rumors about her new guy. There's no reason she should be here.

Mai shrugs, "Cat's out of the bag, what can you do about it now?"

Katara puts the basket down, and Zuko finally looks at her. Can't read her expression. Real quiet, "Is it true?"

Zuko pauses for a moment. "Katara, I was going to tell you."

"Why did you lie?" And when she looks at him, really looks at him, his heart feels like it's breaking. And he can hear her over the sound of crashing waves, on top of a cliff, telling him that she was the first person to trust him, and this feels like the universe's cruel way of retelling a joke that's no longer funny.

"I didn't exactly lie," he defends himself. "I just said you got hit by a boulder, and they just assumed it was from an earth bender."

"You didn't exactly deny it either," Mai slips in, appreciates the cold look he gives her. She can see the resemblance between Zuko and Azula. And she knows which buttons to push.

"Because I was ashamed!" Flames lick at his fingertips when he turns toward her, and Mai thinks he might want to use it on her. "It was completely my fault, and I was going to fix it! I just needed some time!"

"Think about it," Mai turns to Katara, who isn't looking at either of them. "If Zuko hadn't lied, you two wouldn't even be a thing. You never even liked him, never spared one glance toward him. Your old self was right not to trust him, and he didn't want you to know that."

"Mai," Zuko warns.

"He's being selfish, trust me. I've known him almost all his life, and betrayal runs deep in the family."

Flames burst around Zuko when he turns to her so quick. "You need to leave. Now."

"Is that you telling me yourself or is that an order from the new Fire Lord?"

"I'm telling you, to leave. Go home. You've done enough here."

Katara's eyes glisten as she glares directly at the wall in front of her, the food forgotten on the ground. She's spent nearly every waking moment with him, told him that she trusted him completely, and he was so vague about her accident. Something she needed to know. Maybe that would have helped her regain her memory quicker, or maybe it wouldn't, but it sure was important information to share. Zuko takes a step toward her, wants to pull her into his arms and explain, explain, explain. At least until she understands, but she's already taken a step back before his foot touches the ground. Thinks maybe Sokka was right all along.

"Katara," Zuko starts, but she only holds a hand up. Shakes her head at him.

"You lied to me. All I've given you was my trust; that's all I had to give. And you lied."

Before Mai leaves them to bicker and finally end whatever fragile bond they have between them, she says to Katara, "You'll learn fast being in the Fire Nation. It's all an act."


	8. hunger (love) pulls us together

"Can I join you guys?"

The palace's kitchen was a mess, the servants completely giving it up to the small but frightening earth bender; Toph. They were in the process of baking Uncle Iroh a cake and cooking all his favorite delicacies. It was his birthday tomorrow, after all.

Sokka's expression is stern, "Absolutely-"

"Sure thing!" Suki cuts in brightly, hands him a mixing bowl and spoon. "We could use the extra pair of hands."

He's only a little relieved, all that pacing and stressing outside of the kitchen doors counted for something, right? He hasn't seen much of Team Avatar in days, feels like it's been forever since talking with Katara. Forever as in not even nearly a week. When he was with Mai, he left for months at a time.

He takes the bowl awkwardly, tries to ignore the feeling of Katara ignoring him. Should be easy as the rest of them attempt some form of normalcy. Katara isn't exactly private about the way she feels and they're trying their best not to play favorites. Just like when he tried joining their group a long time ago. He sighs, back to square one.

Right now, she's in the middle of marinating Komodo chicken, laser focused on measuring out the cooking oils. He hasn't had the chance to explain himself. She always turns the other way when he walks toward her, heads straight back inside the palace when he strolls through the garden. She's refused to speak to him for days, since the hallway with Mai, and he's convinced she's nearly halfway there to getting her memories back.

"So," Aang says, sidles right next to Zuko. He's been in a better mood as of late. "You excited for your uncle's birthday tomorrow? Did you get him anything?"

"Oh, uh, yeah."

It's quiet, minus the whisking of batter. Zuko didn't think to tell them what it was. Coughs. "I got him a dragon tea set to replace the one I cracked. Not the same one, but a better one. Not to say that his wasn't good, but it's… this one has dragons."

Everyone stares at him except for one. Toph slaps him on the back, hard. "Well! I think that's pretty neat of you!"

"Why would your uncle need more tea sets?" Sokka asks, flippantly. Specks of frosting are on both of his cheeks, and even his chin. "He's got like, a gazillion of them. In fact, he owns a tea shop. Numerous tea shops mean numerous tea sets!"

Zuko looks down at the goopy cake batter. "His name is engraved on this one."

Sokka waves the spatula in his hand around. "Whoop-de-doo. He could easily write his name down on all of the other ones."

Suki pinches his arm. "Ow!" He cries out. "What's that for?"

"Be nice," she scolds. Smiles at Zuko, warmly. Suki's been the only friend of his, other than Toph, who's been the most understanding, even welcoming of him. He forces a smile back.

They work diligently on the snacks, baked goods, and entrees until night falls. Powder coats their clothes, and their hands feel grimy with hard work, sugar, and dough. Toph ate a handful of dumplings in the process, only held the responsibility of making sure nothing fell and spilled on the ground. Oh, and taste testing, she said. Wanted to make sure everything was up to the quality of a noble's food, since she came from royalty, and technically still is.

She loves Iroh, almost as much as Zuko does.

"Well, I'm pooped," Aang stretches, Sokka yawning beside him.

"Same," Sokka wraps an arm around Suki. "Think we're gonna hit the sack, it's almost midnight."

Katara steps in front of her brother, speaking for once. She'd been quiet most of the night, except to mutter a thanks to Zuko, for telling her she wasn't putting enough spices into the Komodo chicken. It was enough to make his heart pound. "We can't just leave the kitchen a mess."

Suki backs her. "She's right. We should stay and clean."

"What?" Sokka drawls out. "But that's what the servants are for, right?"

Katara fixes Sokka with a look. "We're the ones who made the mess, so we should clean it up. You don't just go into someone's kitchen, make a mess, and then leave it for them to take care of."

"No," Aang pipes in, a big smile on his face. "But that's why we go to a palace's kitchen where they have people who do the cleaning for us! We're guests, Katara!"

Sokka tiptoes past her while she's not paying attention, pulling Suki along with him, her face an apology. Toph is already nowhere to be found. Katara, distracted, says, "No, Aang, just because we're guests doesn't mean we're not responsible for our actions!"

Aang gives her a final smile, before saying, "Unfortunately, I have to fly out early tomorrow with Appa for a mission, I'd really love to help but, you know, Avatar duty calls! Thanks, Katara!"

Leaving only Zuko and Katara in a very messy kitchen.

She's tempted to leave; like they said, it was the servants' jobs to clean up. But her mom raised her right even if Sokka can be a poor example of that sometimes, and she starts to place the dishes into the sink slowly, wipes remnants of flour off the countertops. Ignores Zuko's silent but pleading eyes on her back.

"Are you just going to keep standing there, or are you going to help?" she snaps, putting soap onto the sponge.

"Right," he says. He grabs the rest of the bowls and sneaks them underneath Katara's arm into the sink. She hands him the wet silverware and he dries them off with a towel, places them neatly onto the rack. Good thing he worked at a tea shop with his uncle. He would have never understood the basics of household chores.

"Look, I'm-"

"Save it," she shoves a plate at him. "I don't want to hear your apologies."

"I wasn't going to apologize."

"Really? What were you going to say then?"

Okay, he was going to apologize, but he didn't want her to feel like she was in the right, even if she was. "I'm excited for my uncle's birthday feast tomorrow?"

Their fingers brush when she hands him a plate, and she frowns. She won't last much longer holding her tongue. It's just not in her. Sure, she did well when everyone else was around, but that was because there's a time and a place for everything. There's no way of getting out of it now. Zuko waits. They'll be here the whole night cleaning up.

She breaks pretty fast. "Why did you lie to me? To everyone? Or rather," she corrects herself, already predicting what he'll say. "Why didn't you tell them what really happened? That it was you?"

Zuko sighs and Katara's quick to say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was such a difficult thing for you. The fact that I only remember bits and pieces of my home, and who I am, can't possibly compare to what you went through, covering for yourself. I woke up to _strangers_."

The spoons clatter in the sink and her hands grip the edge of the counter so tight. Zuko puts the towel down and says, "No, it's not that. I've been wanting to tell you, since the first night we went to the beach." Remembers the shooting star that interrupted him, and what he wished for. Maybe he was finally getting it. "It was just hard to admit because I was ashamed. They said things, about my sister, and my temper got the best of me. I was going to help you get your memories back."

"You didn't think to tell me over the past few months we've spent together? I had to hear it from Mai. I told her I trusted you, I feel like an idiot!" The water in the sink ripples a little bit. She runs her hand through her hair, doesn't care that they're still wet. There's some flour on her cheek from earlier.

"You have-" Zuko gestures to his own cheek.

"And she still wants you, you know. It's not that she didn't care about the breakup, you just don't know how to read women."

Zuko cringes. "I've only been with one girl."

Katara feels a twinge of guilt and wants to take that part back. Goes back to silently washing the dishes, the pots and pans clanking between them.

Finally, Zuko says, "I felt really bad about it. There's no excuse. I hit the ledge, causing you to get hurt in the process. When we came back, and you still weren't awake…" The memory haunts him, Suki and Toph fighting their way out of that cave, Zuko holding desperately onto her as they barely made it out alive. Willing her to open her eyes. But she never did. "I explained, really vaguely, what happened, and one thing led to another. I didn't want to keep reliving my mistake. I just wanted to make it better."

"You could have at least told me," she says, quiet.

"Mai is right," he clenches his teeth. "I am a coward. I should have looked you in the face and told you the truth. It was me, all me. My anger, my fire. You deserve to hate me the most, and so should everyone else."

Katara hands him the last bowl to dry and leans her back against the counter, arms crossed. Zuko places his own hands on the counter, braces himself for anything she throws at him.

"No one else knows it was you."

"You didn't tell them?" Zuko's surprised. Thought they would have known, but he figures Sokka would have strangled him by now, Fire Lord or not.

She purses her lips. "I couldn't exactly tell them why Mai was the one who told me."

"Oh." That would have probably given themselves away, not that they're anything now, but Zuko remembers the feel of her body underneath his, soft yet durable, the marks he placed on her underneath her clothes. His face heats up.

Hers does too but she frowns, pulls the robe tight around her, quick to say, "I don't hate you, but I'm still upset over it."

That's a start.

The next hour is spent wiping down the counters and putting away all the ingredients. She doesn't shy away from him, not like before. But she doesn't exactly welcome his small talk, still not over what happened. This, he thinks, is some semblance of how they were before she lost her memory. He laughs a little to himself, at how it feels a lot like their first time being forced to get along when he joined the gang.

Their last task is to mop the floor. She slips a little, and Zuko's right there, having caught her by the waist. It's electric through her veins, and she pushes him off, says she's fine. Moves a few feet away, hides the embarrassment on her face. Zuko takes that as a thank you.

Out of nowhere, she asks, "What else is… not the truth, but not a lie?"

"I don't know what you mean by that," he says, genuinely confused. They're finished, and he places the mops outside to dry off, lets in some cold night air to whisk away the smell of cleaning detergents.

Katara hops onto the counter, avoids leaving shoe prints on their hard work. Doesn't really meet his gaze. "What else wasn't entirely the truth?"

"That's a very broad question, Katara. I've told you pretty much everything."

"Nevermind," she mutters. And Zuko doesn't understand why she's so agitated.

"I can't read minds," he says, exasperated, refusing to let it go. Sure, she could be mad at him for something that was sincerely his fault, but what now? "And you even said it yourself; I can't read women."

"I was just saying that to be cruel. I take it back."

"But you weren't wrong."

They face each other, almost like a challenge. Zuko tries to read her expression, the lines on her forehead, and Katara tries to hide it. Finally, he says, "Just tell me what's on your mind."

She takes a deep breath in. "Aang."

"This again?"

She looks almost amused. "You always make that face when I bring him up."

"Yeah, well." He doesn't exactly know what to say to that. Closes the door behind him just to make busy work.

"You didn't approve of us being together." Says it more like a statement than a question.

It's true. Sure, they were cute together and held a solid foundation, more than she and Zuko did, but it was hard to watch the girl he had feelings for be with someone he couldn't hold a candle to. And it wasn't even much of a competition in the first place, not against the Avatar. He decides to be open with her. "No."

"Why?" She asks, a little too assertive, and that's when it slowly dawns on him. Did she want him to spell it out for her?

He blinks at her. She struggles to maintain her stubborn composure, and Zuko crosses over, a little cautious, wipes away the flour on her cheek with his thumb. She lets him touch her and that's all the permission he needs. "It was the truth."

"You're trailing dirt in," she says, not as resolute as she was before. He doesn't care, just wants to make sure she understands.

"If you're asking me if my feelings were true, I've had feelings for you for a long time, even before you lost your memories." There's warmth in his eyes, and Katara almost shivers.

"But Mai said I would have never…" she trails off. Zuko frowns a little. Maybe Mai was right about that too, but maybe there just wasn't ever an opportunity to try.

"Mai's always been the most skeptical of you," he says. And she was. For someone who wasn't into politics, his Fire Lord duties were more important to her than him, more than the missions Team Avatar went on. If they were in a room together, Mai placed herself squarely beside him and she was the one who made open remarks about Katara being the "Avatar's," diminishing her individuality in front of Zuko. Mai must have known how he felt long before he did, tried her best to keep them away.

"I feel bad for her," Katara says, sincere because that's all she knows how to be, despite Mai's recent attempt to pit them against each other. Mai loved Zuko, and she was just afraid to lose him again. They were each other's first love. "She had such strong feelings for you."

Zuko's brows knit together, and without a word, he pulls Katara to him close. Wraps his arms around her, his face deep into the crook of her neck. "I know," he whispers. It's not hard to see. Because after all those years, he was glad to have somebody who still loved him, betrayed Azula even, even after he dumped her. And just because Mai's done some horrible things, it was out of love. The way his father loved Azula, threatening to burn her feet as a child if she didn't get her stances correct. The way Azula loved his father, when she conquered Ba Sing Se in his name, and killed her own people, not even hesitating to kill the Avatar. The way his mother loved him, abandoning him to a home full of abusive manipulators and liars. Maybe even the way his own father loved him by placing him in exile because of Zuko speaking out of turn, and maybe the generals would look down on him even more. At least, that's what Zuko had tried to tell himself, for years now, when he saw the permanent scar on his face.

Maybe that was how he managed to make it with Mai all those years. That was how his people showed love, through evil deeds and bad choices. The more someone loved him, the more willing they were to do things, even bad things, right?

So, a long time ago, when he saw Katara give bigger portions of food to her brother, Aang, Suki, and them despite the rumbling of her stomach later that night, it didn't make sense to him.

"Why would you give them most of what you had?" He had whispered when they were the only two on night duty at the time. They were hiding out in an old Air Temple, before the official war started.

"Because they were hungry," she whispered back, like it was obvious.

"But aren't you?"

"Zuko," she stated, tired of his questioning. And he always believed he had never received a true answer from her.

The following days, Katara had more food to hand out, and for herself, surprised at how many leftovers they had. Zuko didn't say anything when she whispered to Suki that she thought it was Haru choosing to eat less, and how kind of him to do that. He also didn't say a word when she hugged Aang for finding more grains for them to cook with, even though he only tagged along to watch Zuko's back from wild bears. Every single night, Zuko had muffled the grumble of his stomach with his bag, tossed and turned so nobody would hear it.

And maybe he didn't realize it then, but he does now. To give is to love. And to watch Katara give so freely, without having to hurt anyone in the process except maybe herself, was something he didn't know was possible. And he wants to give her the world.


	9. snowfall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry peeps, for the late update, i've been finishing up classwork. i've been enjoying all of the comments tho, much thanks <3  
> this chapter's got a rated M scene at the end so heads up!

A stack of paper hits Zuko's desk and he looks up at Uncle Iroh's sheepish grin.

"More?" Zuko's been signing away projects all afternoon. It feels like he's barely gotten through the current stack he's been working on, as thick as a tome. But it isn't like it all collected in one day; Zuko clearly needed more water for the dried-up ink he's used on and off during the months. More off than on, he's embarrassed to say.

Helping Katara has been one of his more urgent Fire Lord duties.

"General Mak believed it would be best to send me instead of anyone else," Uncle Iroh says, sits across from his nephew, glad he isn't in the position of Fire Lord. This only means that General Mak had a message for Zuko but figured nobody else could talk sense into him like his uncle could. And that was only sometimes.

Zuko sighs. "What is it uncle?"

"I hear you've been falling behind in your Fire Lord duties."

"If that means not being stuck here all day while my hand cramps, then yes. There's so much more to do outside of here, I don't see how signing any papers helps anybody."

Uncle Iroh only smiles at Zuko's impatience. He didn't have time to practice the role of Fire Lord for the past three years, not the way Azula was trained to be. Knows his nephew has a palette for adrenaline, fighting, and exploration. "There is an order to things, Fire Lord Zuko. If there is no order, it becomes a flowing river stopped by a dam. Or… a clogged sink that requires undraining."

Zuko blinks at him. Uncle Iroh continues, "What I mean is, you are what's causing the clog. The Earth Kingdom seeks compensation for the time Azula tore down their walls. There is unrest in your own nation about your ruling, and your soldiers only grow more exhausted doing nothing but heavy drills all day."

He's heard all this, a sort of blurred memory, when he sat in on all those meetings. There were more problems than the ones his uncle just listed, he knows, and he should be more attentive as Fire Lord. He's offered plans of action to the table though, and it's not like they weren't received well. The generals just had better alternatives, and they've been doing this a long time. It wasn't the same generals his father had either. These ones were open to other cultures and moved up in rank due to hard work and dedication. All he had to do was sign the papers approving their ideas.

"I'll admit," Zuko says, puts the brush down. "I've been a little distracted."

Uncle Iroh raises his brows. "Distracted by a certain water bender?"

He blushes, looks down at the signature he practiced for weeks on end when he was younger. "It's not like that."

Uncle Iroh can't help but feel both happiness and pity for him. He wants his nephew to find love, and to be able to freely pursue it but the shackles of being a Fire Lord prevent him from doing so. "It's all about finding the right balance."

Zuko slouches in his chair. "I just think helping her is more important." When Uncle Iroh snorts at the word 'helping', Zuko says. "Anybody can sign papers. General Mak can easily forge my signatures for me, if he really cares about getting these done."

"I don't know if that's what I would call helping," Uncle Iroh teases. "And secondly, that would be dishonest."

"I just-I mean, it's kindof helped her."

They've been sparring together in the gardens and the beach, fire against water. She's improved significantly, able to keep up with him when he launches bursts of flame toward her. Not fast enough, she laughed, before unleashing a giant wave over him leaving his clothes soaking wet and his hair in his eyes. They're taking things slow, decided it'd be best if they kept their interactions friendly with minimal contact. But sometimes Katara fixes him with a look when he's caught staring at her lips for a second too long, and he gets defensive about it, knows he needs to do a better job about hiding it. But the same can be said of her; Katara's blush spreading across her cheeks like wildfire when he peels the wet clothes from his back every time she sends a solid jet of ocean water at him.

"Somebody sounds like they're in love," Uncle Iroh says, in a sing-song way.

"I'm not," Zuko rushes to say. "We're just friends."

"And how does she feel?"

When Zuko pauses to answer, Uncle Iroh can already see the corner of his nephew's mouth turn up.

"I think she feels the same."

Before Uncle Iroh leaves the room, he tells Zuko not to forget about the stack of paper regarding the wages and possessions of former Fire Lord Ozai's previous generals and advisors. Zuko nods, already signing the rest of his day away, has always been aware of the responsibilities of a Fire Lord. Just wishes he could worry about simpler things sometimes.

* * *

"You've done that trick so many times already!" Zuko barely avoids the sliver of ice underneath his foot.

"Yeah, and you normally fall for it almost every time," Katara laughs, releasing her hold on the water from the fountain. They've been sparring in the gardens for almost an hour, just physical combat, no bending. But that doesn't stop Katara from getting back at him for all the times he's jump scared her. He was good at hiding, sticking close to the shadows in the forest when they practiced bending near the ocean.

"Let's take a break," he says, the cold air bites at his cheeks. It gets to Katara too, but she's used to it, her skin tougher than his. They're clammy with sweat in the chill air despite their internal body heat rising from their movements.

Katara collapses onto the bench beside him, and they can see their breaths in the air, little puffs. Zuko focuses on creating a small fire with his hand, holds it between them. It would make more sense to go inside, but then people are more likely to bother him for his time. No Fire Nation resident willingly wants to go outside into the cold come winter season. Well, except for him.

The light from the fire illuminates the bags underneath Katara's eyes. She hasn't been sleeping well lately, even moved to a better room despite her protests. Didn't want to feel like she was receiving special treatment from the Fire Lord himself, but even Uncle Iroh insisted. He burned some incense in her room, the lavender meant to calm her, but she only woke up in fits again.

When Zuko checked up on her in the mornings, he saw the tray of food, a couple of bites in and then forgotten. Katara said she was probably just sick, but Zuko is reminded of when Uncle Iroh lost his son. That blank, empty look in their eyes, the inability to do anything. He wants to ask Sokka, but even Sokka has been acting strange; Suki's been at his side even less too.

Aang tried to cheer up the siblings, on two separate occasions. Katara was unamused by his antics and Sokka, dully, said, "Ha. Good one." Toph thinks maybe they're homesick. It's started to snow, and tonight they were supposed to get at least two inches.

"How are you feeling?"

"That's the billionth time you've asked me in the past three days," Katara says. "I feel the same as I've always felt. I'm fine."

"You've barely ate anything. And you look… tired."

"Come on, Zuko," she smiles, unimpressed. "You can tell me how terrible I look."

When he doesn't say anything, her smile falls, the way ice cracks over. Slowly, but then all at once. "I guess I haven't been feeling the greatest. I don't know what it is though."

"Maybe not being able to remember your past or who you are now is finally taking its toll on you."

She looks at him, voice desperate. "What if I never remember?"

That thought has crossed his mind multiple times and every single time, he doesn't know the answer. He supposes they'll keep on living the way they are, but to start over and rebuild yourself from scratch? It's like the years he spent searching for the Avatar, trying to find something that was nearly impossible.

Zuko breaks their minimal contact rule and wraps an arm around her, pulls her close to him. Hates himself for saying something he doesn't know is true. It's already been about five months since her accident. "You will, one day. You're slowly becoming yourself again, and eventually everything will come back to you."

At least the part about her becoming herself is true. Bits and pieces of Katara's core self comes out randomly; her sass, her know-it-all comments, and her interactions with Toph. He's not sure if she's always been so playful, but he loves that side of her anyway. And even how annoying her moral compass can be. It's almost like it's her again.

But deep down, she doesn't feel like it. Sometimes when she's looking back at herself in her mirror, the blue eyes and brown skin, the shape of her face, the set of her brows, she wonders who that is. And even the Water Tribe necklace. She knows it belonged to her mother and that it's very special to her. But how can she ever feel like herself again when she's constantly having to ask Sokka or Aang details about herself? Things that she should know in her heart. And in a way, she's glad there are people close enough to her to remember her, but it's not the same. It's like having to remember stuff about a date, or a random military general.

"Yeah," Katara finally says to Zuko. Half-heartedly, "Maybe one day."

* * *

A soft knock comes at his door in the middle of the night and Zuko fumbles out of bed, still trying to get used to plush carpet. He wonders who it could be, hopes it's not Mai; it's late and he couldn't think of anyone else who would bother him at this hour. And if it were an emergency, Uncle Iroh would have kicked the door down, not even bothering with a knock.

He tiptoes to the door, places an ear against it. Silence.

Maybe he was imagining things. Right as he starts to return to bed, another soft knock. He cracks his door open. His voice is thick with sleep. "Who is it?"

"It's me, Katara."

He opens the door and can barely make out her silhouette. It's a dark winter night, the clouds obscuring the moon. Looks both ways down the hall. "What are you doing here?"

"I, uh," her voice cracks, and it's now that Zuko can hear her hitched breathing, like she's been crying for hours. "I couldn't sleep."

"Come in," he says, immediate. They sit on the edge of his bed, Katara's hands limp in her lap. He waits for her, could probably wait lifetimes for her if she needed.

"I had a dream," she starts, shifts uncomfortably. "It was… about my mother."

"I'm sorry," Zuko says, low.

Katara laughs a little, but her eyes are shiny. "I am too. I shouldn't be here; I should have stayed in my room but- it's just- today is the anniversary of my mother's death."

Zuko doesn't know what to say; no amount of words could ever bring her back. Instead, he opens his arms and Katara buries herself against his chest, silent tears staining his shirt.

That's why Sokka has been off. And that's why Katara has been so troubled even if she couldn't remember it herself. Her subconscious holds the memories most important to her, and Sokka wasn't strong enough to remind her. He was going through it as well. Maybe even worse because he felt alone; his sister didn't remember, and his dad was somewhere far away on a ship.

Zuko brushes her hair down, soothingly. Has never met a girl who has gone through half the battles Katara's been through and back, and he wishes he could just take some of it off her shoulders for a bit. She's always been more emotional, more sensitive than the others.

She mumbles phrases about how she wishes her mother were still alive, about her fragmented memory and something about not recognizing herself, and how much she loves her mother. Zuko sits with her through it all, despite her half-sentences and choked up words. Knows she isn't necessarily trying to talk to him, but maybe speaking the words that crowd her mind makes it easier to bear. To put a name to her feelings gives her a way to organize them, seem more manageable.

At some point in the night, Katara's tears slow down when snow starts to drift softly outside of the window. Feels like she's been crying her whole heart out, and even though she's stopped, she doesn't let go of him.

He's going to ask her if she's ready to go back to bed, but then her lips are suddenly on his, wistful and filled with anguish.

His eyes widen. "Katara-" He places his hands on her shoulders, leans back from her. Her mouth is parted, and she looks like a beautiful mess; a heartbreaking sight. "I thought we were trying to be friends."

"I'm sorry," she whispers, her brows knit together, and she leans back too. "I'm just not in the right state of mind and I guess being with you has always helped. I'll go now," and when she gets up to leave, Zuko, against his better judgment, grabs her wrist.

"Stay," he says, the word already out of his mouth before his mind can process it. "Stay the night. If it helps you to get your mind off things."

And she does. It's a horrible idea, but really, when has Zuko had any good ones? One thing always leads to another with him and they forget about being friends, for tonight. Zuko forgets about the stack of paperwork he signed, and she forgets what it's like to think. Katara's been so stuck in her mind for a long time now, that Zuko pulls her out of it. Physically, emotionally, tenderly. Soft kisses, here and there, as though she's afraid to forget him again. After some time, she guides his hands underneath her robe, her bare skin heating up under his touch, just like his face. What follows are his own lips, trailing kisses along her sides and her stomach, reaching lower and lower until he stops to move up and kiss her forehead.

"Zuko," she sighs. Her hands keep his on the curve of her waist. He's on top of her, between her legs, breath ragged. Thinks that kissing her could become his favorite pastime. Without a word, she reaches down and feels him, and he groans under her touch, and he feels a little guilty.

"You're not-" Another feel, and his mind goes blank, her body practically melts underneath him. Finally repeats, "You're not in the right state of mind."

Katara laughs, but it sounds sad. "I'm not drunk."

"But you're emotional."

Frustrated, she kisses him and runs her fingertips up his spine and onto the back of his neck, entangles them through his hair. Whispers, "This helps."

Zuko's mind flashes to what he told his uncle about helping her and figures he was right in saying that, though this isn't exactly what he was thinking of at the time.

But maybe it's helpful when his clothes come off, water benders with hands so skilled, and so precise. Knows exactly where to push, to stroke, to coax parts of his body into feeling good.

Maybe it's helpful when she tells him she needs him, makes his hands fumble less when he's trying to undress her, the image of Katara's body, completely bare and vulnerable beneath him having only ever been a wild fantasy of his during the pre-war days.

And maybe it helps both of them when he's finally inside, eliciting a gasp from Katara's mouth and Zuko biting back a curse because it feels better than he could have imagined, has to slow down because even though he's experienced it before, doesn't mean Katara has.

And with a shock, he realizes Katara's never done this before. He's her first.

He slows to a complete stop, his gaze level with her, and she opens her eyes, panting, asks, "What's wrong?"

"Am I…?" Knows it's horrible timing to ask but feels compelled to anyway. Voice low, as if other people were around to hear something so vulgar, "Am I the first person you've done this with?"

Katara wants so badly to throw a pillow over her face, just so he wouldn't see the shame wash over. "I think? I mean, I'm not too sure."

Zuko tries not to feel too concerned about it. Katara wouldn't remember, of course, but he's mostly confident she hasn't. "Are you sure you want me to be your first?"

"Zuko," she hits her palm against his chest. Motions to below them, and says, "It's kindof already too late."

"But are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she murmurs, then moans when he pushes into her again, a little slower than before. Has to really hold himself back when she starts scratching at his back, his pace picking up, and then Katara's trembling against him and he can't think of anywhere he'd rather be other than here.

He wants to tell her how much he needs her when he's close, wants to paint her skin with his admiration of her, wants to tell her just how much she's changed him for the better, and that he's honored to be her first, and mostly, that he is in love with her.

And when that thought crosses into his mind, that fleeting idea that maybe, just maybe, what he feels for Katara is more than just a crush, or a simple romantic like, he feels his heart swell up so much that it almost hurts. His teeth marks the skin on her neck as he holds back the words he yearns to say, and she wraps her arms around him when he's finished, a content sigh escaping her lips.

"Thank you," he utters, like a man released from his prison. Broken, but still salvageable. She makes him want to be better. She makes him feel free.

It's quiet for a few minutes, and when he looks up to find her fast asleep, it's the most peaceful he's ever seen her.


	10. approval

What does Zuko know about love?

Well, he knows it's not supposed to hurt nearly half as bad as taking a lightning bolt head on. But it sure hurts more than that right now, like he's holding on to lightning itself that desperately wants to be let out. And he can't, not behind the walls of the Fire Nation Royal Palace. If he did, he'd be destructive, and chaotic, and have nowhere to aim it at. So, he holds onto it just a little longer even if it kills him.

Katara's relapsed and it came after a few days of intense migraines, dizzy spells, and their finest healers unable to soothe away the heightened pain she compared to her "head splitting." Sokka demands a water bender healer and Toph just wants him to stop yelling at everybody, because then he's giving _her_ a headache.

When Aang has to keep reminding Katara he's the Avatar every day, he's quick to offer up abandoning his Avatar duties, and Zuko wants to do the same. Except it's only natural for Aang to voice his feelings to everybody. When Suki catches Aang in the middle of the night trying to fly away to the Northern Water Tribe, she shakes her head and talks him out of it. An important meeting is coming up; the Earth Kingdom is sending their representatives and advisors to come meet with the Fire Nation to establish a plan of action to rebuilding their treasured wall. Aang could care less about some dumb, stupid wall.

"You need to be there," Suki persuaded, Aang's head hanging low, like a stubborn child. "The Earth Kingdom is expecting you, the Avatar, to make sure that they can trust the Fire Nation."

"I'll be back in a flash; you won't even know I was gone! Appa can get me there in three days and back!"

"That's nearly a week. They're arriving tomorrow night, and then the day after is the meeting."

"Well, what about Zuko?" Aang had asked. "They know Zuko's a good Fire Lord, isn't that enough to make them want to work with the Fire Nation?"

Suki lowered her voice. "That's still Fire Lord Ozai's son." And she doesn't mean to say it like a creeping poison, but it comes out that way. Zuko knew not to take it personal before he disappeared back to his room, hid the Blue Spirit Mask in the secret compartment in his dresser. He resisted the urge to go out and fire bend in the middle of the night, felt anger at Katara's near hopeless situation, at Azula for not being _good_ (so she can be Fire Lady instead), and most of all, for being his father's son.

He decides to go where he's needed.

* * *

Zuko pulls his bag to his chest, tight, mentally checking off the list of small things he was going to use for the trip. He's in all black, his hair loose and not pulled tight into a bun on his head. When he looks in the mirror, he feels more like himself than he has in months.

Mai is outside of his door, already waiting for him. Her arms are crossed against her chest, and she looks how she always has. Not happy. Zuko doesn't have time for this.

"We need to talk," she says. He brushes past her, feels her hand tug on his sleeve. "Zuko."

"I have to go," and it reminds her of all the times he's left without a proper explanation. She lets the sting settle for a bit, before she remarks, "I'd really appreciate if you took the time to speak to a concerned Fire Nation citizen."

He continues to walk away, says, "You can take it up with one of the advisors."

With an angry noise so unlike her, she shouts, "How could you take away all that my family owns?"

He stops. Turns back and sees her teeth pulled back, like she wants to rip his throat out and then shove it somewhere. Says, "I didn't take anything."

"Yes, you did," she hisses. "You're the Fire Lord. You're the only one approving the ideas by signing those papers. But you probably didn't care to read over them."

Zuko can vaguely recall Uncle Iroh telling him about paperwork dealing with former advisors and generals, but he didn't read too far into it. Really, only skimmed it, and it seemed a reasonable price. Punish those who served former Fire Lord Ozai for their evil deeds.

_Oh._ Zuko realizes. _To repay the Earth Kingdom, they were going to take from father's previous advisors and generals. That means Mai's father._

"I'm sorry," he says, hastily. "I didn't come up with the idea."

"Now we have next to nothing," Mai says, digging her nails into her flesh so hard, she might just bleed from it. "My father's lost his job, we barely have any money left to take care of ourselves, and we're losing our home."

Zuko's brows pull together, sympathetic. "Mai, it won't be that hard. Your family can find a job in the city, and there are decent places to live, affordable even. I did it, my uncle and I-"

"Who's going to hire him? He worked for a horrible person and did horrible things. And after everything I've done for you, this is how you repay me?" Her voice cracks, and Zuko's feet feel glued to the floor. But he wants to hurry to Katara, he really does, but…

"In life, there are second chances. To do better and to be better," he rushes. Suki and the rest of the team were literally waiting for him outside. "When I get back, I promise I'll help your family."

"Where are you even going? Don't you have a meeting to prepare for tomorrow?"

He hesitates. "I'm taking Katara home."

The previous night, Zuko spoke with his uncle about it. He needed his uncle to represent the Fire Nation during the Earth Kingdom meeting because out of everybody here, Zuko was needed the least. His uncle didn't even try to talk him out of it, knew his decision was made the moment Zuko walked through the door, his shoulders set, head held high.

"I guess I'm going to have to lose some weight to fit into the Fire Lord outfit," he chuckled, and Zuko hugged him, thanked him for doing this. Katara was his priority.

Mai has nothing to say to that. Disappointment sets her lips into a thin line, and she looks at Zuko and doesn't see the great Fire Lord she thought he'd turn out to be. She doesn't even recognize him anymore, an empty shell of the boy she thought she loved.

No. She's mistaken. This is not the great Fire Lord she thought he'd be, but it's still the boy she grew up loving. Sweet, honorable Zuko who remained loyal to the people he loved most once he figured himself out. The boy who craved adventure and loved playing with knives, and offered friendship with his awkward conversation skills and bland tea, and impressive fire bending. So unlike any other Fire Nation noble she'd ever met in her life, better than the ones thrown at her by her parents for an arranged marriage, because this one actually cared. Yet he's broken her heart again, whatever's left of it.

He holds his breath until she says, "Go."

He smiles at her before he leaves, and she doesn't realize the tears streaming down her face until she relaxes her jaw and tastes the salt on her tongue. Growing up, whenever she'd envision the boy she loved, she always imagined he'd love her back. And it's because of this, that she doesn't recognize Zuko, because he's in love with somebody else.

* * *

"Finally!"

Zuko jogs up to Appa and the others who squint at him in the early morning light; Katara's all bundled up snugly for the freezing temperatures up north. "Sorry, I'm late."

"You're going to need more than just that," says Suki, and she wraps a giant, puffy jacket around him, satisfied at how it smothers him whole, bets he's warm now. Zuko's a little short on winter wear and he's grateful to her.

Katara looks like she's in a daze, "What's going on?"

Zuko's expression softens, "I'm taking you home."

"Where is that?"

She's asked so many questions these past few days, but nobody gets tired of explaining it to her. Not when she's nagged everyone so many times about picking up after themselves, collecting food, and to stop scamming people. At this point, everybody misses Katara and it's about time they've done something about it.

While the girls get Katara situated on top of Appa, Aang and Sokka peek sidelong at Zuko. They exchange looks amongst each other, as if they were co-conspiring against him. He doesn't know what to say to them, and thankfully, they take the initiative. Sokka puts his hand out, and in it, there's a map.

"You're going to need this. These are my dad's ship routes in case you guys run out of supplies and need to restock on the way. I already sent a message letting him know."

"Thank you," Zuko says, rolling the map into his bag.

Aang wears a somber expression. "And this." He hands Zuko the necklace Katara always wears, from her mother.

"Why do you have this?"

"She… forgot about it." At this, they all look down at their feet. Zuko's careful when he folds it into his bag, tucks it securely between the clothes. He'll figure out the best time to give this to her.

When Aang walks over to say goodbye to Appa, Sokka places a hand on Zuko's shoulder. He looks him dead in the eyes. "Keep my sister safe, no matter what."

"I will."

"Because if she gets hurt again, I will hunt you down."

"As you should."

Sokka nods, and it feels almost like approval. Toph calls out from on top, "You ready yet or are you two lovebirds still kissing each other goodbye?"

Right before Zuko and Katara lift off with Appa, the rest of them wave goodbye from down below, and Zuko doesn't miss the sad look on Sokka's face nor Aang's, as he's sure they wanted to be the ones to take her. But Aang, as Avatar, is needed for peace, and Sokka is a representative of the Water Tribe. Zuko hopes they find what they need in the Northern Water Tribe, remembers they have special healing properties. Tries not to think about what he left Mai behind with, a bitter taste in his mouth.

Katara is quiet most of the way, except to tell him he should probably get some rest because he's been flying Appa for quite some time. And Appa needs his rest as well. They stop by a couple of villages, though not for very long; only to fill their stomachs and stretch out their limbs from sitting for too long. He speaks very little to her, and Katara wonders if she's done something to upset him, so when they're back in the air again, she asks.

"No," he says, his back facing her. There goes that.

She frowns a little. Decides to poke. "From my understanding, you're the Fire Lord. Why is it that you're the one taking me and not anybody else?"

"Because," he sighs, "This is my duty."

She scoots up to sit beside him and he's thrown off by how close she is. "What-"

"Who am I to you?"

She looks at him so intensely, that he utters out a brilliant, "Uh."

"Nevermind, you don't have to answer," she says, just as quick, and looks out at the view to ponder. Zuko's slightly relieved because he's not even sure anymore either. The weather grows increasingly cold and they huddle together for warmth, the snow slowing them down greatly.

They camp out for the first couple of nights, forced to share one tent because the freezing air is too much to handle for just one person. Zuko watches her back, sees the shivering, and tries his best to warm the tent. He doesn't want to make her uncomfortable by getting too close. He's a stranger again, but in the morning, he feels her back pressed against his and remembers that by the end of this journey, things will go back to how they are between them. She'll be better.

After three long days of flying and silence, they see the edge of the Northern Water Tribe. The tall glacial walls surround the city and a flashback of the Fire Nation invading them makes him hold Appa's reins a little tighter. He was the one who led them there and that inevitably led to the death of Princess Yue.

When they land, they're beside great naval ships belonging to the Southern Water Tribe. Hakoda walks out of the grand city walls first, calls out his daughter's name. "Katara!"

He rushes over to her, pulls her into a tight hug. She glances worriedly at Zuko but he just nods, reassuring her. "It's your father."

When Hakoda turns his attention to the fire bender, Zuko bows deeply, goes so far as to call him sir, and then they're led into the icy city to put away their belongings and rest for a bit before dinner. Hakoda informs them, mainly Zuko, that Pakku has returned to the Southern Water Tribe to remarry Katara's grandmother. He's received Sokka's letter and decided to take a detour on their long route from helping villages struggling for resources. Zuko says sorry, for the thousandth time, but Hakoda waves his apologies off, insists that they must do what they can, and he was close by anyway.

They stay in a little ice hut, cozy enough for the two of them despite Hakoda eyeballing the small amount of space between the beds. It could be combined into one easily, and when he signals Zuko to follow him out for a talk after dinner, Zuko's hands grow clammy and he wipes his nerves on the front of his pants.

They stand on a bridge that overlooks the canals of the water system. Zuko avoids looking directly at Hakoda. "So, you're the one who's been taking care of my daughter."

"Yes, sir."

"You were, no offense, but probably the last person I expected it to be."

Zuko doesn't know what to say. It would have made much more sense to have Sokka or Aang do it, even Suki, but he just had to be the one to take full responsibility over her. It feels like her dad knows what he's up to, and he fidgets under Hakoda's gaze.

"I guess it's a good thing it was you then."

"I'm sorry, sir?"

He laughs, slaps his hand on Zuko's back a little hard, but he takes it. "You're the boy Katara was always complaining about, that fire bending boy. Though, you're a Fire Lord now, right? I commend you for putting up with more than what people think you put up with."

Zuko's a little touched. "Thank you, sir."

"You don't have to keep calling me 'sir.'" Hakoda points out, though he does appreciate one of the kids out of Team Avatar being respectful. Thinks that his children found some worthy partners. Sokka found Suki, a polite and headstrong girl. And Katara… "Are you two…?"

Zuko's face flushes red. "Excuse me?"

Hakoda looks nervous suddenly, and wonders if he's done that thing Katara hates, where he assumes any guy is her boyfriend. "Uh, well, I mean. If it was you bringing her here and not the Avatar or Sokka, then are you two…?"

"I uh, I don't know, sir." Zuko's impressed by the amount of heat he's applying to the ice bridge, and yet it still won't melt. "I don't think she'll like me very much after this is all said and done."

"Huh."

Hakoda doesn't want to think too much about his daughter's relationship with the Fire Lord. Zuko doesn't seem like a bad kid, after all, and that uncle of his has been a good influence on all the kids. Nope, doesn't want to think about that small hut his daughter and Zuko are sleeping in together, when they could have easily found a room for each of them, separate. When he wakes them up in the morning for breakfast, they're both snoring heavily, exhausted from the trip. Zuko's bed is pushed all the way to other end of the room. Smart boy, Hakoda thinks, almost chuckles to himself. His children have found a couple of keepers.


	11. the hardest love is the first

Hakoda teaches Zuko more about hunting and fishing than any Fire Nation civilian has ever needed to know. They spend a lot of time on the water after Katara painstakingly fixes them with a look that begs to come with. Every day at the healing hut, she has to lie down for hours at a time while they work around her, and although they've soothed away her migraines, her body feels stiff from lying down in one spot without a break. She knows it's important to get her memories back, but she also appreciates being able to walk around and breathe sometimes. So, when Hakoda and Zuko both receive the death glare after dropping her off again, they whistle and walk away like nothing's wrong, Hakoda even dares to smile at her.

"It's helping," Hakoda told her over dinner. "You just have to bear with it a little longer."

"They think I'm ready for the Spirit Oasis," she said, shoving tentacle soup into her mouth. Zuko's barely made a dent into his.

"Oh?" Hakoda inquired. "Isn't that the place with the two fish?"

Katara rolled her eyes at his simplicity. "It's more than that. The water has special healing capabilities because of Tui and La, the Moon and Ocean Spirits."

"Right," he drawled out. He didn't get too in depth with Spirit World shenanigans, left those to the benders. There just weren't enough explanations in the world to describe what goes on regarding spirits, and he was a man of solid evidence and proof. Glad at least one child took after him, even if Sokka could be a little dense sometimes.

Before going to the Spirit Oasis, the healers warned Katara that it was going to be a very painful experience, but it was necessary to overcome the mental blockade. Katara was up all night the day before, tossing and turning in bed until Zuko finally lit a candle and talked her nerves out. Temporarily, that is. Hakoda swings by with breakfast the following morning to see them off.

On the way to the Spirit Oasis, her hand clings tight onto Zuko's, and he wants to run when he sees Hakoda's eyes dart straight to their hands. He rubs his chin thoughtfully, but doesn't comment, only to wish them good luck in her final process. Zuko bows, Katara's hand still in his, and thanks Hakoda again for the supplies and for taking that detour to be here. The healers are waiting for them, lined up in a circle around the pond, palms out and ready.

The main healer, an old lady Zuko never bothered to learn the name of, signals for Katara to enter the pond. With a squeeze, Zuko lets go and takes a step back, watches Katara undress into her undergarments. The air is warm here, despite being surrounded by blocks of ice, and Zuko takes full advantage of the warmth. He's a fire bender and has sorely been missing the heat.

Katara slowly lowers herself into the pond and the healers begin their work. The water glows underneath their hands and Tui and La don't seem to be affected by what's going on. She flinches like she's being burned, and Zuko resists the urge to pull her out, only gives her a sympathetic smile when she looks over at him, teeth clenched. Sweat drips down her forehead and her eyes are squeezed shut. After some time, Katara suddenly cries out, begs for him to be by her side.

Zuko rushes over but the main healer tells him he must stay away, or it could mess up the process.

"No," Katara grits out through her teeth. "He stays by me."

They exchange steely looks, stubbornness a running trait in the Water Tribe people. When Katara automatically grabs tight onto Zuko's hand anyway, the old lady lets it go with a click of her tongue and resumes her concentration on Katara's head. Tui and La circle the pond, never breaking their flow.

They sit in the pond for what feels like forever, and Zuko's worked up a sweat now too. Katara is in immense pain, and it shows when her knuckles strain and she leaves crescent shaped nail marks in his hand.

"You can do it," he murmurs, and it's almost like they're the only two in the room. "Just a little longer."

Katara winces, beads of sweat drip down into the water and when sunset hits, the healers do one last intense technique before the process is done. The water glows brightly and Katara's body becomes limp, falling into unconsciousness. They all stand up, finished.

"That's it?" Zuko asks, bewildered.

The old lady looks at him with disdain. "The rest of the healing takes place up here now," and she points to her head. "We've done all that we can. The spirits will guide her home."

And when they leave, Zuko stays with her, holds her hand, and makes sure her head is afloat. He doesn't remember falling asleep beside her, their hands still connected.

When he dreams, he dreams in blue, blue as the sky, the ocean, the moon. He hears laughter and he's in the Spirit Oasis, but everything seems translucent, even when he looks down at his hands. He tries to follow the sound of laughter, a girl, and feels like he's running in circles. A voice asks him what he wants.

"I want Katara to regain her memories," he says. There's nobody around him, not even Katara. She isn't in the pond where he last saw her. Yells, "Where is she?"

_Lost. Nowhere to be found._

It sounds like the voice is inside of his own head and he looks around wildly for it. This must be the Spirit World, but why take him here now? If that's the case, Katara should be here too.

"She's here somewhere," he says. She must be.

_She is not._ The voice repeats, almost mocking. Zuko turns, and turns, and even investigates the pond again. It is an empty, bleak body of water with no fish and no Katara.

"Then, where is she?"

He feels a prick down his neck and can sense the motion of a shrug. Frustrated, he says, "Stop toying with me. I brought her here to make things better, not to play mind games with spirits."

_You killed one of us._

What? No, that wasn't him, that was General Zhao. Zuko's hands begin to tremble and he shakes his head, denies it.

_You are not worthy of the girl. It is your fault. Your honor and pride come first to you._

"I'm different now," Zuko says, hands splayed to no one in particular. "I've changed for good. That's why I'm here."

A chill creeps up his spine. _You are here because it was your fault, again. You caused the mistake and you are here to fix it. You are here to restore your pride. Rather, what's left._

The truth of the matter makes him bite his tongue. "Is there something wrong in that? I want to fix my mistake."

_If that is all you are here for, the girl will remain lost to you._

"It doesn't matter if Katara never remembers me if that's what you're getting at. I just want her to remember everything else." That's all that matters.

There's a slight hum in the air, what feels like thinking, and Zuko waits and waits for the spirit to say something else.

_She needs something she cherishes the most._

Her mother. Zuko can only think of her mother, but she's dead. "I don't understand."

_Take her there, through trials and tribulations. Face your weakness, and only then you will find her._

"I don't understand what any of that means!"

Suddenly, he's brought back to the mortal realm, still holding Katara's hand. The moonlight casts an ethereal look to the Spirit Oasis and Zuko doesn't think anything in the Fire Nation can compare. She isn't waking up, and the fish are back in the pond. His body feels too warm and his head pounds. He can't make sense of the spirit's words; her mother is dead, and he doesn't know what else Katara cherishes the most besides her family. She's been with Sokka for months and has finally reunited with her father. Aang and her friends couldn't do anything for her for the past five months, so what good could he do?

Stupid, he thinks, stupid of him to be the one doing this. Stupid of him to react carelessly in that accident.

He nudges Katara but knows deep down she won't wake up again, not until he brings her to something she cherishes the most. He pulls her out of the water and dresses her, brows scrunched up thinking of what he can do but growing more helpless every second. He rakes his brain to think of what Aang would do in a situation like this.

Aang. The necklace.

His hands scurry through his bag and grasp tightly onto the Water Tribe necklace her mother gave to her. With Katara propped against him, he clasps the necklace around her neck, and when it still doesn't wake her up, not that he thought something as simple as that would, he holds her in his arms and leans his head against her shoulder.

"What am I supposed to do?" he whispers. "Where am I supposed to take you?"

He doesn't realize her father has been standing just shy of the entryway, having witnessed Zuko place the necklace around her. Maybe it doesn't mean anything to those of the Fire Nation, but it means something significant to the Water Tribe. It was his wife's necklace, passed down from her mother.

But seeing Zuko embrace his daughter so gently, so careful, reminds him of holding Kya's body as she lay dying, filled with so much love and caution, as if something so fragile and precious was in his arms.

You don't find a love like that easily in a lifetime.

* * *

"Listen," Hakoda says to Zuko, after they strapped Katara into Appa's saddle. He scratches the back of his head, almost sheepishly. "I want to thank you for being there for my daughter."

"It's no problem, sir," Zuko says, solemn.

After Hakoda found the pair in the Spirit Oasis, he had waited for them to return to the hut before suggesting the idea that maybe she should go home. Her actual home. Zuko was on the same page as Hakoda, realized that this time he was going to have to make a long trip south with an unconscious girl this time. The air would be freezing cold and frostbite already threatened his fingers. The south will only be colder.

Hakoda couldn't come with. As much as he bowed his head to the Fire Lord boy and packed all the meals for them, he had to return to his crew and resume salvaging the world left behind. Zuko understood his guilt; this isn't the first time Hakoda has left his daughter.

"I know she's in good hands," he says to Zuko, pulls him in for a tight hug. It almost feels like a fatherly embrace he's never had, and Zuko didn't hate it. In fact, his throat held a lump too difficult to swallow down and he wondered if the temperature was so cold that his tears would turn into ice before ever leaving his eyes.

Once they're back in the air, Zuko throws an extra blanket over Katara, and struggles to keep himself warm during this long trip. It will be days before they make it to the Southern Water Tribe, and he'll be alone with his thoughts. Supposes he's used to it by now.

Memories of Mai slither into his mind and what he's left her with, what he's taken from her without intending to. It was her father; he wants to remind himself until so many hours go by that he only ends up cycling the blame back to himself. Perhaps he wasn't a good Fire Lord and should have read the papers more.

It was more than that though. Mai was his first love, the only girl of the Fire Nation who willingly sided with him even when he was cast out and made a fool by his own father. She was there to bandage the injuries Azula precisely marked on him during sparring practice, though it was never just practice for his sister. She needed every second, every opportunity to make sure he knew where he belonged. On the ground, writhing in pain underneath her.

Mai used to sneak into his room with alcohol, bandages, and ice packs. Lots of ice packs to try and get the purple bruises to go down, until she kissed him at the age of 13 because she had heard from Ty Lee that kissing makes everything feel better. It was awkward and stiff and came as a surprise until they practiced it enough after Azula's harsh training practice with him that it felt easy.

He wonders where it went wrong. He wonders when he started to take advantage of Mai's constant love.

It must have been when he joined Team Avatar.

Azula had roped Mai into her evil schemes through manipulation. The idea of being with him is what led Mai to ultimately committing bad deeds, turning her into something poisonous for a time until she realized she loved him more than she feared Azula. Even then, when she helped them escape the Boiling Rock, he should have been more loyal to her, but he was mostly concerned with Sokka's safety.

Because Katara's brother means everything to her, that's why.

Slowly, like the sprinkling of rain, what Katara found important started to become important to him. He's wanted to know what it was like to embrace her for a long time. He was envious of the people around her, the light she gave off and the love she freely gave.

He even liked all the times she was angry at him.

When he grabs her hand and looks at her sleeping face, he thinks that even if she doesn't wake up feeling the same as him, just having these moments with her was good enough.


End file.
